Constant Change......

Life is constantly changing. We are constantly doing things that change the outcome of our lives. So many of our decision in life will change the outcome of our life. Like divorce, dating, and marriage. Or other things. like making the decision to go one direction instead of another to get somewhere. Or decision to be happy instead of angry or mad all the time. So what is my outcome in life? 

Don't know yet. But I am trying to be happier, to be more content, to not have anger towards people. Has it change what is going on in my life, maybe a little, but I am sure that as time goes things will change, Hopefully for the better.

The holidays are upon us. There are so many things that we could change about how we perceive the holidays. Why not start teaching our kids that it is better to give than to receive. That it is better to do service for other people that don't have much for the holidays. Our gift would be a better life, a better love for mankind. 

I am hoping that I can teach my kids about love for other people. That they will be able to learn to serve and give to mankind, instead of always taking. 

I am making a conscious decision to be happy for Gerald. Be happy that he has found someone to maybe fall in love with again. Is it hard to do this? Hell yes. I know that she does not take the place of me with my kids, but it is hard for me to see someone else that will be doing things with my kids this weekend, that I should be doing with them. Like going to the Festival of Lights. That is my tradition with my kids, That is what we did every year. Going to Novemeberfest. Enjoy the start of the season of Christmas. I am happy for him, but it is hard to grasp hold that I will be lonely for the holidays. That I won't have a partner for the holidays, to enjoy that intimacy that is shared during this time. The joy, the fun, the excitement of giving to each other. I wish him all the happiness, but this will be a hard holiday season for me in the aspect of things, but I do have my kids that will make the season bright and cheerful.

Overview.......

This has been a year of ups and downs....I wish it was more ups then it was downs.

But I have learned a lot over the year. I have learned a lot about myself, friends, dating, and loneliness.

Let me recap the year. I left my husband of 21 years...not an easy decision but one that had to be made. Was it a good one....It was a good one, but a very hard one. It hasn't been very easy at all. I have had to learn a lot about myself, about how to do things for myself.  How to try not to feel so alone in everything I do. Do I like it no...Do I feel like I am by myself in everything I do? Hell yes! Do I want someone to hold me, tell me everything will be ok, to laugh with? Yes! But I am sure that time will come. I am sure that I will find that one person that can feel that spot or emptiness in my life.

My dad passed away in December. I can't believe that it has been almost a year since he passed away. I never realized how much we depend on our parents until they are both gone from this life. From your everyday existense. Do I miss them? Yes! I wish that they were around to talk to, to go to when I have a problem and need a parent to help me. 

I have had fights with the ex, but I think that this has actually made me learn to communicate better with him....I have learned to think before I talk...Not that that always happens. But it happens more now then it not happening. So I am learning to let go of the hurtful feelings I have. Believe me they are not all gone. There is still hurt feelings, but I am learning to let go. I don't want to be that person that keeps the hurt around for the rest of my life. Not fair to me or who I end up with in a relationship.

Financially it has been crazy. I have lost how to keep up with bills. I don't have money, and I should be able to pay all my bills. Not that being suspended from work helped. Do I need to buckle down in life. Yes! Do I need to learn how to budget my money? Hell yes. 

Have I had fun this last year? I would say yes. I have met some interesting people. I have had some interesting dates. I have made some good friends along the way! Would I trade what I have done and learned this year for an unbroken home? Yes I would. But I am a different person now. I have learned that I can be myself and I don't have to impress anyone. That I deserve to be treated with respect, love, tenderness. I deserve to feel that passion for life, love. To have someone treat me with such passion and love. I can't wait to find that person. Because when I do my life will make sense. Life will be complete! Will I find that person? I hope so. Sooner than later!

My children through all this? Well I think most of them  have adjusted. I think right now Christopher is having the hardest time with it. Although he won't admit it.

My new years resolution! Yes I know that it isn't a new year yet, but I am going to start my new year now. To write things that are more positive. More about my family and things that are happening in our lives that are more positive. I am going to be better at doing my bills and having money to be able to do the things that my kids would like to do. I am going to be rich in life, not money and that will be ok.

ON TO BETTER THINGS!!!!!!!!