My feelings now.....

I have gone to counseling for over a year now. Has it helped? For the most part yes it has, in most areas. Except one it comes to my Gerald. I seem to put the attack mode on with. I am always defensive with him. I can't seem to stop. I always feel like I have to protect myself from him, that I need to be on the defensive with him. Why? because I feel like I get no respect from him, no support from him. It is always his way that is better. I am done feeling like I am inadequate of a person, mother, and wife. I have never been good enough, and I am tired of feeling that way. 

I just want to give up. Runaway. I am tired of always feeling worthless when it comes to him and my son. I can't ever do anything right, I am bitch. I am constantly reminded of how much money Gerald gives me, that he helped with the yard. Mine you that he didn't help for over a year, but when my neighbor started helping clear out the weeds, he jumped right in to help. I am glad for the help, I thanked him for the help, but I know that he didn't do it for me. 

I am tired of how much money he says that he gives me beyond what he suppose to give me. I am tired of being told in so many different ways that I am a horrible person. That I don't care, that what I do is wrong. When do I get to feel like I worth something to someone. That someone supports me and respects me for who I am. 

I so desperately want to just crawl into a hole and stay forever. I have tried so hard to make my kids happy, to provide for them. And it is surprising how one child can tear you down, and make you feel like you are nothing. 

You know I have learned over the past month that there are guys out there that can treat a woman with respect, with love, compassion, that I should demand that from guys. Because that is how woman should be treated. But after tonight I just don't think that I deserve it. I think that I am just going to hide for awhile. 

There is only one person that I am falling for. And he is the best thing that has ever been in my life, but I don't think that I deserve him. He deserves to have someone better than me in his life. 

I think that I am just done. Done with it all. I will just become a hermit. 

This is how I feel. I can't handle being put down anymore. I think that I am feeling better about myself, and I get knocked down again, and again. 

I am so sorry everyone. That I am a horrible person. I will stay out of everyones way. I will just do what have to do from day to day! I love my kids dearly. I hate to think that I am not being the best mom that I can be. Or the best person I can be. 

I am done....Don't worry I just want to be a hermit...nothing else.