Chapters.........

What are chapters? Chapters are divisions in a book or in this case life! We have many chapters in life. When we are born is the first chapter. We grow, we learn how to talk, walk, emotions, we gain more strength. The second chapter of life, I think, is our toddler years. We learn so much in that time. Our brain develops more, We learn how to communicate more. We learn more about boundaries. We even learn about relationship in some ways! The third chapter in life is ages from 5 to 12. Those are learning experience. Where we really learn about the world around us, where we gain our independence. Fourth chapter is the teenage years. Oh those wonderful teenage years. We learn about love, we learn more about friendships and hardships. We learn about sexuality. We learn about our bodies. Then come the fifth chapter in life, Young Adults. Wow! Spread those wings. Use the things that we were taught as kids. Live our lives independently. Sixth chapter actual Adulthood. So much more goes on in the adulthood. Sometimes I think that we go back and have to learn all over again about relationships. We have to learn to be independent, but also dependent on someone else. Trust, Honesty, respect, loyalty, and dependability. Of course, all those aspect we learn through all the Chapters of life, but we really don't depend on all of them until we are adults. We don't take advantage of them thru all the chapters except last two chapters of life, 6 and 7. Where we expect people to be able to be honest, to be true, loyal, respectful, and dependable. 

Do we actually know how to use those traits. I think that some people do and some don't, or they think they know. 

I have gone thru the last three years trying to figure out how to use these tools in life. How to keep this tools well tuned. Have done this? Probably not. I am not perfect. No one is. I still have a hard time telling certain people my true feelings. I am always worried about how it is going to affect them. That I don't want to hurt them. I am finding out that in the long run if I am not honest and respect someone, I will still inevitably hurt them. It will still happen. It will still come to pass, but probably more exploded than if I had just been honest in the beginning. 

How is this affecting our lives. Well, it affects our lives tremendously, because we are not teaching our children the right way to go thru life. Our actions, our way of life, become a vicious circle because we are not learning the right way, and we are not teaching our kids the right way to live life. To have a full, healthy and happy life! I can't even say I have a full, healthy, and happy life. So which means my kids don't have a that either. So basically we are robbing our kids of this. I am not saying my kids or me are not happy. That we don't enjoy life, but I know that there are more tools to learn for the chapters in our life to come together. There is a way to be balanced in life. To know how to use the tools of trust, honesty, loyalty, respect, and dependability, so that we have a full and rounded life.

My year resolution for 2016 is not only to lose weight and become healthier, but to also learn how to have a well rounded and balanced life, and to teach my kids this.

Holidays......

Holidays are upon us. Are Holidays a burden or an excitement?  It seems like every year it get worse on the burden of it. I have lost all excitement for the holidays. I miss the times when I was a kid. The excitement to wake up early and go jump on Mom and Dad. Having them tell you to go back to bed, but instead you go downstairs and look at all the presents, look thru your stocking to see an orange, banana, nuts, and little gifts. The traditions that we had as a family. All this has gone out the door. I so want to capture those moments again. I don't seem to be able to. It has become so commercialized and such a burden to do Christmas anymore. I wish I knew how to change that. I wish I knew how to get that excitement, wonderment, awwwe, of Christmas. 

Tell me some of your most memorable Christmas traditions. 

Grrrrrrrrr!'s

I don't know how else to title this, except GRRRRRRR! Maybe I should have put frustration, confusion, self doubt, failure. I guess any of those would have worked. 

Just when I think I have things figured out, or at least I am somewhat happy, I get thrown curve balls. Now I am wondering if I am doing this to myself. Am I throwing myself to the dogs. Am I the one that is making life so difficult. Does life have to be this difficult and full of frustration? You know I heard someone say that life is only as difficult as we make it. We are only happy if we choose to be happy. I am really trying to choose to be happy. But I just can't seem to get out of this funk that I am in. Can't seem to make myself happy anymore.Or I forgot how to make myself happy. Does this make me depressed? Probably,,,but I don't want to live my life dependent on a drug to make me happy. So how do you do it without drugs? 

Someone once said that if you surround yourself with those things that make you happy that you will eventually be happy. What if you can't surround yourself with everything that makes you happy. Do you just take what you can get? And thrive on that to make yourself happy? What if that isn't enough? What if I am greedy and want it all? Is it possible? Or do you end up having to choose which one to take and leave the other behind? I guess that I am greedy. I want it all! I may not deserve it all, but I want it all.

Well I have made the decision to have most of it. My kids are the most important in my life, so I chose to be closer to them. But in the mean time I am sacrificing a relationship with a guy that means the world to me. He is very understanding, behind whatever I do 100%. How could I have asked to find someone like this. And I know that he will always be there for me, but I know that this is a strain on him, and our relationship. But he always says he is with me 100%. Am I wrong to not be happy with my life when I am with my kids. I chose to be here with them. You would think that that would make me happy. Maybe it is the living arrangements I have. Or maybe it is just me being greedy.

What does everyone think? What in this world makes you? Are you 100% happy with life? Is it possible to be 100% happy with life?

Choices...How do they affect our lives?

So I am finding myself having to make more and more choices in my life. Sometimes I wish that they were easier to make or at least at little more straight forward on what to do. But they aren't!

Why do we have to have choices in our lives? Why can't it just be this what is going to happen and that it? Don't you wish life could be easier, less stressful? Keep dreamin!

We are put on this earth to learn. Part of learning is to learn how to make choices whether they be good choices or bad ones. We always learn from them. 

I have had to make some hard and easy choices in the last couple of years. Believe me most of them have been hard. Have some of them been wrong choices? Yes! But most of them have bee good choices for my life. Example of good ones. Believe it or not my divorce. Why? Because even though it has been rough on everyone, especially my kids, it was a good decision. I think back on the decision and I know it was the right decision for me and my kids. I know at times they don't think so, but it has been. It has made me a happier person, it has made me a better mom, I think, I am a stronger person. So those are the good parts. Another good decision, even though it has been rough and hard, is moving out of Preston. I needed this life change. Yes it has affected my kids, but they will be ok. My life has to move on.
Will we ever stop making decisions? No! We will always have to make decisions. We make decisions every day of our lives. Some may be big some may be small. But they are decision that we have to make to live our lives.

Changes in Life......

Wow it has been since November that I have written on my blog. A lot has happened since November. Life has taken a change for the better. 

Let me start at the beginning. Spent Thanksgiving at work at the Nursing home, then went to my brothers. My kids went to their dad's for the weekend. I worked. Then December came along. What a whirl wind month it was. I met Mike! He isn't your typical guy. We didn't have typical dates. Our first date was going to IHOP Sunday morning on the 7th. Our first date he met three of my kids and the ex. Wow what a first date. Then he came back down on the 9th, spent the night. We stayed up all night talking....It was a good night. Then we went to his DR appointment. Yes a DR appointment. That was our second date. The third date was on the 23rd when I took him to have surgery on both hands. I told you we didn't have typical dates. Then he just stayed at my place for two weeks. Now it never felt weird to have him there. It was like we have always been together. In February I started a new job up where he lives in Elba, Idaho. Now here it is the end of May and we are still growing strong. 

Remember how I told you that I was not looking forward to the holidays. That I would be by myself. Well I ended up with someone for the holidays. It was very nice. It has been a whirl wind romance in someways, but I feel more like myself and a lot happier since I have been with Mike. We fit with each other. 

In May we went to Arizona so that I could meet his mother. She still has a lot of spunk in her. She is such a vibrant, loving, lady. I am so glad that I got to meet her. On mother's day, I was surprised by a little box for mother's day. Mike asked me to marry him. And of course I said yes. I can't wait until I can be fully his. He has made my life so much more complete. He loves me and my kids. And cares what happens to us. He makes me smile, laugh, crazy, and sometimes mad. But we never go to bed angry at each other. And I love that about him. I never go to bed wondering if he still loves me. I always know.

I am happy for once in my life! Really happy! I have wonderful kids, and a wonderful guy , and amazing friends in my life! Couldn't ask for anything better.

Constant Change......

Life is constantly changing. We are constantly doing things that change the outcome of our lives. So many of our decision in life will change the outcome of our life. Like divorce, dating, and marriage. Or other things. like making the decision to go one direction instead of another to get somewhere. Or decision to be happy instead of angry or mad all the time. So what is my outcome in life? 

Don't know yet. But I am trying to be happier, to be more content, to not have anger towards people. Has it change what is going on in my life, maybe a little, but I am sure that as time goes things will change, Hopefully for the better.

The holidays are upon us. There are so many things that we could change about how we perceive the holidays. Why not start teaching our kids that it is better to give than to receive. That it is better to do service for other people that don't have much for the holidays. Our gift would be a better life, a better love for mankind. 

I am hoping that I can teach my kids about love for other people. That they will be able to learn to serve and give to mankind, instead of always taking. 

I am making a conscious decision to be happy for Gerald. Be happy that he has found someone to maybe fall in love with again. Is it hard to do this? Hell yes. I know that she does not take the place of me with my kids, but it is hard for me to see someone else that will be doing things with my kids this weekend, that I should be doing with them. Like going to the Festival of Lights. That is my tradition with my kids, That is what we did every year. Going to Novemeberfest. Enjoy the start of the season of Christmas. I am happy for him, but it is hard to grasp hold that I will be lonely for the holidays. That I won't have a partner for the holidays, to enjoy that intimacy that is shared during this time. The joy, the fun, the excitement of giving to each other. I wish him all the happiness, but this will be a hard holiday season for me in the aspect of things, but I do have my kids that will make the season bright and cheerful.

Overview.......

This has been a year of ups and downs....I wish it was more ups then it was downs.

But I have learned a lot over the year. I have learned a lot about myself, friends, dating, and loneliness.

Let me recap the year. I left my husband of 21 years...not an easy decision but one that had to be made. Was it a good one....It was a good one, but a very hard one. It hasn't been very easy at all. I have had to learn a lot about myself, about how to do things for myself.  How to try not to feel so alone in everything I do. Do I like it no...Do I feel like I am by myself in everything I do? Hell yes! Do I want someone to hold me, tell me everything will be ok, to laugh with? Yes! But I am sure that time will come. I am sure that I will find that one person that can feel that spot or emptiness in my life.

My dad passed away in December. I can't believe that it has been almost a year since he passed away. I never realized how much we depend on our parents until they are both gone from this life. From your everyday existense. Do I miss them? Yes! I wish that they were around to talk to, to go to when I have a problem and need a parent to help me. 

I have had fights with the ex, but I think that this has actually made me learn to communicate better with him....I have learned to think before I talk...Not that that always happens. But it happens more now then it not happening. So I am learning to let go of the hurtful feelings I have. Believe me they are not all gone. There is still hurt feelings, but I am learning to let go. I don't want to be that person that keeps the hurt around for the rest of my life. Not fair to me or who I end up with in a relationship.

Financially it has been crazy. I have lost how to keep up with bills. I don't have money, and I should be able to pay all my bills. Not that being suspended from work helped. Do I need to buckle down in life. Yes! Do I need to learn how to budget my money? Hell yes. 

Have I had fun this last year? I would say yes. I have met some interesting people. I have had some interesting dates. I have made some good friends along the way! Would I trade what I have done and learned this year for an unbroken home? Yes I would. But I am a different person now. I have learned that I can be myself and I don't have to impress anyone. That I deserve to be treated with respect, love, tenderness. I deserve to feel that passion for life, love. To have someone treat me with such passion and love. I can't wait to find that person. Because when I do my life will make sense. Life will be complete! Will I find that person? I hope so. Sooner than later!

My children through all this? Well I think most of them  have adjusted. I think right now Christopher is having the hardest time with it. Although he won't admit it.

My new years resolution! Yes I know that it isn't a new year yet, but I am going to start my new year now. To write things that are more positive. More about my family and things that are happening in our lives that are more positive. I am going to be better at doing my bills and having money to be able to do the things that my kids would like to do. I am going to be rich in life, not money and that will be ok.

ON TO BETTER THINGS!!!!!!!!