Divorce....

So I was just sitting here thinking about my divorce. It seems like it is a long process to go thru. 

I have had the papers in for about 2 months. Got all signed, they sent them to the courts in Idaho. Then Idaho decided that I needed to jump through all the little loop holes that there is. What a pain.

I have one paper left for Gerald to sign. All he has to do is sign in front of notary. Do you think he could do it in timely manner. Of course not. Now he is making me wait for that one paper. He has had it for almost 3 weeks. He told me last week that he would read thru the papers and get them signed. When I asked him about the day before he left. He said he would get it done when this next week. So it will be almost 4 weeks that he has had that paper. 

What do I think he is trying to do. Who knows. But again I am the one that is waiting for something that I want done. Like always. The only time that he does something right off the bat, is if he wants it done. I know that this sounds like a bitch session. Maybe it is. But I still have that fear, not really fear. I don't know what I would call it. But I just can't seem to say exactly what I want to say to him. I can't ever seem to be able to get him to do something for me when I want it done. I am always waiting. 

This is another problem with our marriage. I come second to him. Never first. Not that I want to be first all the time, just sometimes would be nice. It seems like whatever he has going is more important than what I feel needs to get done. 

Example, I had been wanting the pantry redone for the last 3 years. We even talked about what to do . Did it get done. Nope. He got a shed built, because that is what he wanted to do. 

I am under the firm believe that when you are in a relationship each of you need to give a 110%. There is no 50/50. You have to give it your all for it to work. 

I think this is where we went wrong. For the last 10+ years we have been living like roommates with kids. We didn't date, socialize at all with each other. He did his thing I did mine. We never talked. Only if we had to . We would talk about the kids, but that was all. I wish now that I look back on it that we would have done more dating, more communicating. We lost each other amongst the world. It came to be more important to be in front of the computer or television. I think that technology took over our lives. I think that it takes over every ones lives.

There needs to be a balance with things. Especially in a relationship. I remember when we first got married. We did everything together. We talked ,we played games, we went out with friends, or by ourselves on a date. Kept us going on our relationship. Then we started adding in cell phones, computers on the internet, television.  We forgot all the little things that we did with each other. We didn't have that balance in our relationship anymore!

Divergent.....

This last week I went to go see this movie! Awesome movie! But it made me think about our different aspects of our lives! There are five different groups that the community was put into. When you became of age you were tested to see what group you would be in. Now most of them would pass as the group they were already in. But at the next day you were able to choose what group you wanted to be in. Now there was some kids that were tested that could be any of the five groups. They were called divergents.

Dauntless: dedicated to courage, bravery, and fearlessness. Dauntless Manifesto: "We believe that cowardice is to blame for the world’s injustices. We believe that peace is hard-won, that sometimes it is necessary to fight for peace.

Abnegation: the one and only faction that is dedicated to selflessness and forgetting oneself for the sake of others. Abnegation Manifesto:  "I will be my undoing If I become my obsession.
I will forget the ones I love If I do not serve them.
I will war with others If I refuse to see them.
Therefore I choose to turn away from my reflection,
To rely not on myself
But on my brothers and sisters,
To project always outward
Until I disappear.

and only God remains."

Candor: they value honesty. Candor Manifesto:"Dishonesty is rampant, Dishonesty is temporary, Dishonesty makes evil possible." 

Erudite: The one and only faction dedicated to knowledge, intelligence, curiosity, and astuteness.

Erudite Manifesto:

                                            We submit the following statements as truth:

1. 'Ignorance' is defined not as stupidity but as lack of knowledge. Lack of knowledge inevitably leads to lack of understanding.
2. Lack of understanding leads to a disconnect among people with differences.
3. Disconnection among people with differences leads to conflict.
4. Knowledge is the only logical solution to the problem of conflict.

Therefore, we propose that in order to eliminate conflict, we must eliminate the disconnect among those with differences by correcting the lack of understanding that arises from ignorance with knowledge.

Amity: the one and only faction that is dedicated to peacefulness, kindness, forgiveness, trust, self-sufficiency, and neutrality

Amity Manifesto: Trust

A son says to his mother:
“Mother, today I fought with my friend.”
His mother says: “Why did you fight with your friend?”
“Because he demanded something of me, and I would not give it to him.”
“Why did you not give it to him?”
“Because it was mine.”
“My son, you now have your possessions, but you do not have your friend. Which would you rather have?”
“My friend.”
“Then give freely, trusting that you will also be given what you need.”

• Self-Sufficiency

A daughter says to her father:
“Father, today I fought with my friend.”
Her father says: “Why did you fight with your friend?”
“Because she insulted me, and I was angry.”
“Why were you so angry?”
“Because she lied about me.” (In some versions: “Because I was hurt by her words.”)
“My daughter, did your friend’s words change who you are?”
“No.”
“Then do not be angry. The opinions of others cannot damage you.”

• Forgiveness

A husband says to his wife:
“Wife, today I fought with my enemy.”
His wife says: “Why did you fight with your enemy?”
“Because I hate him.”
“My husband, why do you hate him?”
“Because he wronged me.”
“The wrong is past. You must let it rest where it lies.”

• Kindness

A wife says to her husband:
“Husband, today I fought with my enemy.”
Her husband says: "Why did you fight with your enemy?”"
“Because I spoke cruel words to her.”
“My wife, why did you speak cruel words to her?”
“Because I believed them to be true.”
“Then you must no longer think cruel thoughts. Cruel thoughts lead to cruel words, and hurt you as much as they hurt their target.”

• Involvement (Used to be part of the Manifesto but later got taken out)

One friend says to another:
“Friend, today I fought with my enemy.”
The other friend says: “Why did you fight with your enemy?”
“Because they were about to hurt you.”
“Friend, why did you defend me?”
“Because I love you.”
“Then I am grateful.”

Divergent: relating to or being an infinite sequence that does not have a limit or an infinite series whose partial sums do not have a limit .

 

So where do each of us fall into? Which faction are we or are we a Divergent?

I would hope that we are all different that we are not all Divergent, but we are each in a different faction.

What am I?

I am not sure what faction I fall into.

 

 





Relationships and Intimacy

I have been thinking a lot about relationships and intimacy....Do they go hand in hand? Can you have a relationship with anyone without having the intimacy? Can you go without a relationship and just have intimacy?

First of all the definition of Intimacy is about being emotionally close to a partner, about being able to let your guard down, about letting her or him know how you really feel. Intimacy is about being able to accept and share your partners feelings, about being there when he/she wants to let their defenses down.

The definition of a Relationship...an emotional or connection to another person.

So just by the definitions alone they do go hand in hand. No you can't have any type of a relationship without intimacy. If you have intimacy you have a relationship.

I know I have a hard time with all parts of intimacy. It is hard to find that someone that you can let your guard down and be close to. Because if you let that person in, they are almost always going to hurt you. So you put that wall up. So your relationship ends up being just a sexual intimacy...You are just out for that physical touch. Don't let them in for anything else. Is that a good relationship? Probably okay at first, but at some point you are going to have to let your wall down and become more than just sexually intimate. The sex part does not last forever. You need to be able to connect with someone on the emotional side to. 

You have to be able to have both the physical and the emotional intimacy for a relationship to withstand all things in life. If you don't, you will lose in the long run. You will be alone.

I know for a fact that in my marriage there was neither. There was not emotional or physical in our relationship for a very long time. That was our downfall. That is why our relationship did not stand the test of time. 

I hope as I am going back into the dating scene that I can remember that a relationship and intimacy go hand in hand. That if I find that one person that is my "soul mate", that I will have both the physical and emotional intimacy in our relationship. Because I know that you need to have both in order to have a strong foundation for your relationship.

Here are a couple of quotes that I found on relationships and intimacy.

So thru out my life now my goal is to be able to find that someone that I can connect deeply with that I feel like I can see into their soul. Wow! How would that feel? To have that type of a relationship with someone. To me, very scary. That means that I have left myself with my wall down and very vulnerable.

Well let see how it will go. To relationships and intimacy. Let's hope that I will be able to find that one person that will help me let the wall down and be vulnerable.

Life......

Wow it has been along time since I have written. Too long. A lot has happened since the last time that I wrote in here.

So in my last post I said I was going to find out who I am. Well that is going pretty good. I have been exercising everyday. Which is a tremendous help in keeping me energized and happy. The exercising in some ways has helped me with my depression and anxiety. I don't take any meds anymore, and I am a lot happier with who I am.

I have done a lot of changing. I changed my hair color. I am a lot blonder. I love it. I have gotten more into how I look. Make sure that I am always dressed nice, make up on. I know that this probably sounds weird, but for the last 10 years I didn't care what I looked like. Didn't matter what people thought about me. I just didn't care. A lot of that is because of what my life was like. That I wasn't happy with my marriage or my life.

My blonde hair.

My life now is a lot happier. I am happy with who I am. I am confident with who I am. That is a huge accomplishment  for me. I am trying to change my eating habits. I am eating a lot healthier. A lot more vegetables and fruits....trying to stay away from the sweets. Haven't conquered that one yet.

I have even dated a little. That is definitely a weird experience. Dating at the age of 48 is definitely different than when you are a teenager. 

I am also in the process of improving my home. I am finishing my bathroom, trying to get things ready for the spring and summer seasons. I will definitely be very busy.

Let see what else has happened. Oh, I finally go the divorce papers done, signed and they are into the courts waiting to get signed by the judge. So in the next couple of weeks I will be a single woman.

Took a vacation for 11 days from work. That was a lot of fun. I got to go to Cedar City and spend time with my best friend and sister Lori! I don't know what I would do without that girl. She has always been there for me.

That is the last 4 months in a nutshell. I will try to do better in writing on the blog.

See ya all later!

 

End of The Year......

WOW! This year did not end as I expected it would. Sum everything up in short. My 14 year old son spent all his holidays in detention. I have been separated from my husband for 6 months now. My dad passed away on the 16th of December and we had his funeral on the 23rd.  What a year it has been. 

I have learned a lot. I am not a good communicator. I am definitely a stress eater. I need to have more balance in my life. I need to find out what I am all about and that it is okay to be me.  And believe it or not I am a lot happier in some aspects of my life.

Since I left last year with a bang, I decided to start 2014 with a bang. I bought a new car. I love it. It is a 2012 Nissan Juke! It is a red little SUV.  I am starting a new budget system so that I can keep track of what I spend and save some money. I will start my divorce papers. Not so fun, but has to be done. And I will become a better person, hopefully. I will get to know me. I know that that sounds weird, but I need to figure out who I am so that I can be happier. 

So here is to a better me and a better life!

Catch Ya later!

Being Positive.....

So I came across this quote tonight! Thought that this was appropriate considering the season and the things that are going on in my life.

This is suppose to be a season of joy and happiness. Really hard to keep that up when so much is going on in life that has been sad. Can't say that it is negative, because I am learning from it! So if you are learning from it, it can't be negative.

Last night at 10:20pm I lost my dad. It was hard to watch him go thru this process of death, but I know that he is a lot more happier now. He is with his dear sweet, loving wife and my mother! What better place could be. I am sad, but happy for him. I will miss him.

My son is still in detention, bad yes! Good in some ways, yes! I think that this is a hard lesson for him to learn, and I hope that he is learning from it! Taking away from it the positive, and not the negative.

Then you have my marriage! What a hard thing to have to put your kids thru during the holidays! But I will put my smile on my face and Accentuate the positive in all this season. Have to for my kids!

So one of my new year resolutions is to accentuate the positive. Put a smile on my face no matter what. Always try to find the positive in everything that I do.

SO MY ADVICE THIS YEAR ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE!

TRUST.........

"The worse part about being lied to is that you weren't worth the truth."

-mishaela

 

Why do people think that it is ok to lie. I don't understand that. I know that I am not perfect, but I really try hard not to lie to someone. Especially someone I love. Trust is another huge thing in a marriage. But today I realized that I am not worth the truth.

I just want someone in my life that loves me for me and thinks that I am worth the truth. I am so tired of the lies.

I am going to get this out. If your husband is into porn. Get him help. Don't let him tell you that he isn't addicted. Because they are. I have been listening to my husband for the past 5 months tell me that he isn't addicted. I thought after 5 months that I could maybe see if we could try to build a relationship. Come to find out, he is still looking at porn. Domination videos. Why? I thought that maybe I was worth the truth. That I was worth fighting for. But I guess not.

My counselor said to find balance in my life. Well I getting rid of one of things that make my life not balanced. I am not falling for it again. I am done being hurt! I can't live me life being hurt and not trusting. I love my husband, but I can't trust him to be honest about his addiction. So I will have to be done with my marriage.