End of The Year......

WOW! This year did not end as I expected it would. Sum everything up in short. My 14 year old son spent all his holidays in detention. I have been separated from my husband for 6 months now. My dad passed away on the 16th of December and we had his funeral on the 23rd.  What a year it has been. 

I have learned a lot. I am not a good communicator. I am definitely a stress eater. I need to have more balance in my life. I need to find out what I am all about and that it is okay to be me.  And believe it or not I am a lot happier in some aspects of my life.

Since I left last year with a bang, I decided to start 2014 with a bang. I bought a new car. I love it. It is a 2012 Nissan Juke! It is a red little SUV.  I am starting a new budget system so that I can keep track of what I spend and save some money. I will start my divorce papers. Not so fun, but has to be done. And I will become a better person, hopefully. I will get to know me. I know that that sounds weird, but I need to figure out who I am so that I can be happier. 

So here is to a better me and a better life!

Catch Ya later!

Being Positive.....

So I came across this quote tonight! Thought that this was appropriate considering the season and the things that are going on in my life.

This is suppose to be a season of joy and happiness. Really hard to keep that up when so much is going on in life that has been sad. Can't say that it is negative, because I am learning from it! So if you are learning from it, it can't be negative.

Last night at 10:20pm I lost my dad. It was hard to watch him go thru this process of death, but I know that he is a lot more happier now. He is with his dear sweet, loving wife and my mother! What better place could be. I am sad, but happy for him. I will miss him.

My son is still in detention, bad yes! Good in some ways, yes! I think that this is a hard lesson for him to learn, and I hope that he is learning from it! Taking away from it the positive, and not the negative.

Then you have my marriage! What a hard thing to have to put your kids thru during the holidays! But I will put my smile on my face and Accentuate the positive in all this season. Have to for my kids!

So one of my new year resolutions is to accentuate the positive. Put a smile on my face no matter what. Always try to find the positive in everything that I do.

SO MY ADVICE THIS YEAR ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE!

TRUST.........

"The worse part about being lied to is that you weren't worth the truth."

-mishaela

 

Why do people think that it is ok to lie. I don't understand that. I know that I am not perfect, but I really try hard not to lie to someone. Especially someone I love. Trust is another huge thing in a marriage. But today I realized that I am not worth the truth.

I just want someone in my life that loves me for me and thinks that I am worth the truth. I am so tired of the lies.

I am going to get this out. If your husband is into porn. Get him help. Don't let him tell you that he isn't addicted. Because they are. I have been listening to my husband for the past 5 months tell me that he isn't addicted. I thought after 5 months that I could maybe see if we could try to build a relationship. Come to find out, he is still looking at porn. Domination videos. Why? I thought that maybe I was worth the truth. That I was worth fighting for. But I guess not.

My counselor said to find balance in my life. Well I getting rid of one of things that make my life not balanced. I am not falling for it again. I am done being hurt! I can't live me life being hurt and not trusting. I love my husband, but I can't trust him to be honest about his addiction. So I will have to be done with my marriage.

Holidays.....

So we made it thru Thanksgiving! Sorry to say that Christopher didn't make it home for Thanksgiving, but he is home now! Sure missed having him home!

I thought that things would be a little strained for Thanksgiving since I decided to stay home and invite the Gerald over. It wasn't bad. We ate dinner, laid around, and then we went to go see my dad. Ended up leaving without talking to my dad because he was sound asleep!

Then Anna and I went to black Friday! That is always a fun thing for me to go to. I love going. I think that I would even go, even if I didn't have anything to buy. Just to watch all the craziness of it all.

Then the next day Gerald and I went down to Lehi to pick up my dad's car so that Anna and Christopher can use it. It was a nice day. We stopped in at Ikea. What an experience that was. Very overwhelming. But it would be fun just to go and actually look. We did a quick go thru, found a couple of things. And then left. Ate at Applebees. It was a nice time. I know that I told him that I would give things a try with no guarantee what would happen. I think that if anything happened it would be a very long time. I still don't trust him. I always wonder what he is doing at home. That is always in the back of my mind.

I am not sure what to think or do...............time will tell! They say time will heal all wounds! I don't know about that. I am trying though. But I don't know if things will be the same between us. Maybe I put to much thought into it.

Anniversary.....

Well today is my 21st anniversary. For me kind of a bah hum bug day. My counselor today asked me if I felt like I made a mistake about getting a divorce. Sometimes I do, but for the most part I am good with my decision. Not because I don't love him anymore, but because we can't live together anymore.  He asked what I missed most about not being together. I really could not tell him. I honestly didn't know. I think that I miss what we should have had. What I wish I had.

Like I told the counselor today, I feel like that for 21 years of being married, that I wish that he would have fought more to stay married. I feel like he gave in the minute I said don't come home. There was no fighting for our marriage. I said a lot, but the action wasn't there.

Don't get me wrong. We had a lot of good times. We have beautiful, awesome kids. I wouldn't trade that time for anything.

I take from this experience a lot of learning about myself, and what I need to change. I am work in progress. I hope that I can change for the better and learn not repeat the wrong things I did. Hope for better tomorrows, fondness of the years pass, and happiness in the years to come.

I found this quote. I think that it is how I feel right now.

Relationships begin to weaken, then fail when we stop doing the things that it took to get them in the first place.



Family.....

 

Tis the season, right? Shouldn't we all be about family? No matter what it is or who did what we should all love each other no matter what! Isn't that what family is all about? We stick together thru the good times and the bad times! I am beginning to wonder!

Anyone who has inheritance coming there way it isn't worth loosing your family over! It isn't worth pinning one against another. It is just money, it is just things! I can't believe that the things and money are more important than staying a family after the parents are gone.

Your family will always be there for you, no one else will. If you loose your family who are you going to go to, who are you going to celebrate with, and who are you going to cry with?

You will sacrifice all that for money?

I love my father, mother, and siblings dearly. My mom has been gone now for 12 years. My dad is in a nursing home battling Alzheimer's. He is in the end stages. And all brothers can think of is who gets the money! Who cares! I will gladly give up my money just so that I can keep my family together.

I know that my parents did not raise us to be like this. My mother is probably turning over in her grave with grief because my brothers are turning against each other over money!

I think that families need not be involved in their inheritance! I think that an outside person should take care of that! Just a thought! If you take anything away from this, take this quote! Remember when you are dealing with family. Because it is true, having both is a blessing!

 

Having a place to go - is a home.  Having someone to love - is a family.  Having both - is a blessing.  ~Donna Hedges


Failure.......

I have been thinking a lot about failure. I keep thinking that this is my second failure in marriage. Do I really want to say that I have been married twice? I really don't think that as a young girl I said "Oh it would fun to be married twice and divorced twice!" Did I bring this on myself because I didn't learn how relationships should be? Or because I didn't learn from the first one! It is kind of scary to think that if I get married again it will be my third time! Maybe the third time will be the charm. This is why I am going to counseling. I don't want this to happen again because I haven't learned from my mistakes.

I don't want failure to define my life! I am going to begin again. Learn from this. My biggest lesson is communication. Boy is that the biggest thing in marriage. It isn't the intimacy, the friendship. You always will have those if you have a communication with each other. I mean really how can you be friends and be intimate if you don't communicate with each other. I still have a hard time communicating. I just let it build up! It doesn't matter what I think about what people do, because it is just what I think. It only matters if I talk to them. I get so mad at things that he does, but I don't give him a chance to defend himself, because I don't communicate with him. Even though  relationship is done as husband and wife, I still have to be able to communicate to him for our children. Just because I am realizing this, does not mean that I am doing this all the time! I have a real hard time with communicating. Maybe I should just have him read this! That will be my communication.

"Communication is the solvent of all problems and is the foundation for personal development." —Peter Shepherd