Anger......

Anger...Does it consume us? Does it control our thoughts and actions? Does it make us unhealthy? Will it make us be bitter to everyone around us? Does it control our lives? 

   Anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel                                                            has deliberately done you wrong. 

   Anger can be a good thing. It can give you a way to express negative feelings, for example, or                                              motivate you to find solutions to problems.

   But excessive anger can cause problems. Increased blood pressure and other physical                                      changes associated with anger make it difficult to think straight and harm your                                                           physical and mental health.

Adapted from the Encyclopedia of Psychology

I decided that I would pick this topic today because I seem to have a lot of anger. It is directed at one person. Is that healthy? Is that a good thing? Or is it going to catch up to me and ruin my life?

In one of the paragraphs above it says that it can be a good thing. A way to express negative feelings and motivate you to find solutions to the problem.

Have I found a solution? Or have I made things more difficult by bringing other problems into it?

Have I been covering up my anger by doing things that maybe I shouldn't be doing? Am I burying all my feelings so that I don't have to deal with them by doing things that I know is not smart to do?

I have been working so hard at trying to be very positive in everything that I do. I didn't realize how much anger I have been burying until one thing happened and it is turning me into a very angry person with the one person that has caused it. But if I don't control or figure it out. That anger is going to overflow to everything else in my life. And maybe it has in some ways already.

Because as I lay here typing about anger, I am realizing that it is slowly taking over my life. I don't go to church because of anger towards people in my ward. I get irritated really fast at stupid people at work. I am quick at making harsh judgements, when I should be taking a step back and really looking at the situation.

Am I making decision based on the anger I feel? I would have to say yes! I feel like every time something happens with me trying to get this divorce I am taking a step back instead of taking that step forward. Do I still think that I am doing the right thing? Yes. That is the only thing that I am positive about. My life as far as being separated from Gerald has been much approved. Do I need more work on myself esteem, my anger towards Gerald? Yes! I don't know if I can forgive him, but I do know that I need to turn my anger into something else towards him. Maybe empathy? But I don't know if that is the right answer either.

My answer is I don't know...I do know that I need to turn this anger into something else before it consumes me and I am ruined because of it. A very dear friend told me that the only person that I am helping because of my anger is the devil. Do I want to help such a person. NO! Not my intent.

So my goal is to somehow turn this anger into something else. What, I don't know! But I do know that I need to figure it out. One day at a time!