Animosity.....

Animosity....Bitter hostility or open enmity; active hatred. A hostile feeling or act. What a strong word.

A friend that I have met a couple of weeks ago, who is fast becoming a very good friend, was talking to me yesterday about my feelings, my thoughts on my divorce, how I was handling everything. I realize that I am not handling things very well. 

He said this word to me a couple of times and it has stuck with me. He told me that I need to let go of the animosity before I could go on with life. That he didn't want to see that animosity grow to affect my life in a bad way. After we talked I thought a lot about what he was saying. So I looked up the meaning. Not that I didn't know what it meant, but I wanted to see what words they used to tell you what the definition was. Well those are very hateful and strong words to use for the definition of word. Makes you think doesn't it. It does me.

I don't want my life to be filled with ANIMOSITY! That would be a horrible way to live your life. To be filled with so much hate and bitter feelings. How do you think your life would be? I would suspect that you would be feeling pretty lonely. Sick. Angry. Negative in everything you are doing! Probably not progressing in your life. Going now where. 

Do I want a life like that? NO! How do you conquer this ANIMOSITY in your life? Well I think that me personally have two ways of animosity to overcome. One is my feelings toward Gerald. Two, my self animosity. Hard things to overcome. 

First. My feelings toward Gerald. Feeling of hatred, of hurt, of being cheated on, of being mentally abused in some ways, and the distrust that I have for him. WOW! Very strong feelings. Ten plus years of strong feelings. Was there once a time that we were happy? Yes! when we were first married. When we had our kids. Those are joyous times in our lives. Looking at those times, they were happy times. But they were times that we were happy to have an event happen in our lives, but not happy that we are together or with each other, except when we got married. That is sound to go thru life like that. My feelings of Gerald when we first got together was of friendship, love, and happiness. Somewhere that all changed. Somewhere we lost those feelings to just being there, to animosity. How do I switch to feelings of forgiveness? How do I let all those feelings of hatred go? I am not sure how, but I do know that I need to let it go. I need to get back those feelings of forgiveness towards him. I may not love him, but I need to be able to be friendly towards him. To stop and think is it worth wasting my energy on the feelings of hatred towards him. Is he worth those feelings? He is not worth those feelings. He is not worth my energy that it takes to hate him. So from this time forward my energy is going to go into letting things roll off my back when it comes to him. Not trying to get revenge for something. Be positive towards him. How is this going to work? That will take a lot of energy! LOL! But good energy. Strong energy for me to have a better life.

Second. Myself...that animosity towards myself. Where did it come from? Where did the thinking negative about myself, putting myself down, thinking that I am a failure at life come from? Well, inadvertently from my marriage. Many years of being second best to my husband. Many years of being not quite good enough in bed that he had to turn to porn to get his satisfaction. Many years of me not being strong enough to stand up for myself. To voice my opinion and being able to stick to it. Many years of being quiet. Letting things get as far as they did. What do I get from it all....self doubt, low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness. How do I change that around. Well my friend, Michael, told me that I need to take those things and ask myself "Does everyone think that I am like that?" That is not as easy as it sounds. But I was thinking about that. Is that only what Gerald thinks or is it what everyone thinks about me. I think that I am not that bad of a person. That I do have a purpose in this life. That I am capable of doing things and of having an opinion. And I can voice that opinion and someone will listen to it. That I am not worthless. That I am not that bad looking of a person. Part of my plan of getting my soul back is not being negative. It is hard and I know that I have said this before. But I really need to start making a conscious effort into putting the positive and keeping it there in my life. I need to get on with my life. I need to get the divorce done. No more holding it up.  I am going to the gym everyday. It is amazing how exercising helps with your energy and your self esteem. I am surrounding myself with positive people in my life. No more negative. I know that this will not always be, but I will have to make it that way. I will have to do a lot of stopping and thinking do I want this in my life? How will this affect my life? How can I turn this into a positive in my life?