Back to square one.....

So Friday I went back to the counselor because I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything.

I feel like I am back at the beginning of all this emotional stuff. I feel like I have taken more steps backwards then I have forward.

I sometimes feel like I just want to bury me head in the sand and never come up for air. I know those are scary thoughts, and I would never do anything like that. But that is how I feel. If I didn't have my kids and job I don't know where I would be.

My counselor says that I need to stay grounded. Be careful of going down the slippery slope. I occasionally drift over to that slippery slope. That is a hard thing for me to stay away from sometimes. That slippery slope is sometimes more appealing than my real life. Especially right now. I would like to just hide from my real life for awhile. That sounds so much more appealing than dealing with real life. 

The counselor and I talked about a lot. One of the first things we talked about was the church.

My feelings on the church. I love the gospel. Do I follow it all the time, NO! I am not perfect. I have my trials with following the gospel. But that is why we have the atonement. So that we can repent when we make mistakes. I use to tell people that you don't go to church for the socializing. You go to be closer to Jesus Christ. Well....Now I see where those people are coming from. It is hard to go to church and not feel comfortable. Or feel like you have no support from anyone in the ward. Especially the Bishop. I don't think that Christ meant for the church to be like that. I really believe that he would want all of us to be comfortable and welcomed into his place of worship. It has not felt like that since I have been on my own. I don't feel like I have the support of the Bishop or the ward. So I am really thinking that you do need that socializing in church. That you need to feel welcomed, like you have a support system in your life, besides being able to pray to you heavenly father. 

I realize that people are not perfect. They are far from it. But I thought that we are suppose to try our best to be Christ like. I don't even see the members in our ward trying. That is what is so hard and very sad. Don't get me wrong. I am not looking for handouts. I am not looking for sympathy from anyone. I am looking for someone to just be Christ like with me. To ask how I am doing? To say "hey we miss you at church?" To help me feel like I need to go back to church. Right now I feel like I am being judge for what I have done. I feel like my ward has sided with Gerald and forgot about me. That is a very empty feeling.

The divorce. I think that I mentioned that I put a hold on the divorce. Well my counselor asked me if I did that because it stopped Gerald form buying the house? Am I having all these emotions because the divorce is almost final? That I am feeling like I am a failure again in marriage? And kind of have to agree with him. I think that it is all that. So on Monday I will call my lawyer up and tell him to put the papers thru. Is it doing me any good to put a hold on them? NO! I need to just get them done. And start on a new life. Hopefully it will be a less stressful life. LOL!

“The real challenge that we face in our communications with others is to condition our hearts to have Christlike feelings for all of Heavenly Father’s children. When we develop this concern for the condition of others, we then will communicate with them as the Savior would. We will then warm the hearts of those who may be suffering in silence.”