Back to square one.....

So Friday I went back to the counselor because I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything.

I feel like I am back at the beginning of all this emotional stuff. I feel like I have taken more steps backwards then I have forward.

I sometimes feel like I just want to bury me head in the sand and never come up for air. I know those are scary thoughts, and I would never do anything like that. But that is how I feel. If I didn't have my kids and job I don't know where I would be.

My counselor says that I need to stay grounded. Be careful of going down the slippery slope. I occasionally drift over to that slippery slope. That is a hard thing for me to stay away from sometimes. That slippery slope is sometimes more appealing than my real life. Especially right now. I would like to just hide from my real life for awhile. That sounds so much more appealing than dealing with real life. 

The counselor and I talked about a lot. One of the first things we talked about was the church.

My feelings on the church. I love the gospel. Do I follow it all the time, NO! I am not perfect. I have my trials with following the gospel. But that is why we have the atonement. So that we can repent when we make mistakes. I use to tell people that you don't go to church for the socializing. You go to be closer to Jesus Christ. Well....Now I see where those people are coming from. It is hard to go to church and not feel comfortable. Or feel like you have no support from anyone in the ward. Especially the Bishop. I don't think that Christ meant for the church to be like that. I really believe that he would want all of us to be comfortable and welcomed into his place of worship. It has not felt like that since I have been on my own. I don't feel like I have the support of the Bishop or the ward. So I am really thinking that you do need that socializing in church. That you need to feel welcomed, like you have a support system in your life, besides being able to pray to you heavenly father. 

I realize that people are not perfect. They are far from it. But I thought that we are suppose to try our best to be Christ like. I don't even see the members in our ward trying. That is what is so hard and very sad. Don't get me wrong. I am not looking for handouts. I am not looking for sympathy from anyone. I am looking for someone to just be Christ like with me. To ask how I am doing? To say "hey we miss you at church?" To help me feel like I need to go back to church. Right now I feel like I am being judge for what I have done. I feel like my ward has sided with Gerald and forgot about me. That is a very empty feeling.

The divorce. I think that I mentioned that I put a hold on the divorce. Well my counselor asked me if I did that because it stopped Gerald form buying the house? Am I having all these emotions because the divorce is almost final? That I am feeling like I am a failure again in marriage? And kind of have to agree with him. I think that it is all that. So on Monday I will call my lawyer up and tell him to put the papers thru. Is it doing me any good to put a hold on them? NO! I need to just get them done. And start on a new life. Hopefully it will be a less stressful life. LOL!

“The real challenge that we face in our communications with others is to condition our hearts to have Christlike feelings for all of Heavenly Father’s children. When we develop this concern for the condition of others, we then will communicate with them as the Savior would. We will then warm the hearts of those who may be suffering in silence.”

Lying......

Lying...False statements, untruthfulness. I hate when people lie. I am not saying that I am perfect. I am by far perfect. But I don't intentionally lie. I am amazed at the things that are said about me....Especially from the one that is suppose to be madly in love with. That says that he will always love me. It really hurts that someone that I have known since 17 years old, would lie about me. That trust that he will always have my back is gone. I have gone for the last 9 months trying not to drag his name thru the mud, and in return I am known as the one who is going thru a mid life crisis. How is this fair? When is he going to admit that he is at fault for this marriage falling apart also? He may never admit that. So I will have to just except that I am the neighborhood wild woman. I guess that isn't such a bad thing, but I know that in the end he will be held accountable for his actions.
 Am I mad about it. I am more disappointed in him. For someone that wanted to make this a friendly split, he has made it into a mean split. I didn't want that. I wanted to be able to be friends with him again at some point. Now it will be just being nice in front of the kids. Which really makes things awkward. I will forgive him eventually, but I will never trust him to be honest with me. That is sad. It is sad that twenty-one years of marriage has become this. No friendship. No trust.
This is a perfect quote of exactly how I feel.
"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.” 
-  Friedrich Nietzsche

This is a quote for him.

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” 
― Virginia Woolf

So my life saga continues. I am going back tomorrow to the counselor. I feel like I am getting overwhelmed with events that are going on right now. I feel that I need that insight from another person. So again, I am back to try to improve the person that I am, the person that I want to become. If that puts me into the category of midlife crisis, then so be it. I will take being in my midlife crisis with my head held high.

Anger......

Anger...Does it consume us? Does it control our thoughts and actions? Does it make us unhealthy? Will it make us be bitter to everyone around us? Does it control our lives? 

   Anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel                                                            has deliberately done you wrong. 

   Anger can be a good thing. It can give you a way to express negative feelings, for example, or                                              motivate you to find solutions to problems.

   But excessive anger can cause problems. Increased blood pressure and other physical                                      changes associated with anger make it difficult to think straight and harm your                                                           physical and mental health.

Adapted from the Encyclopedia of Psychology

I decided that I would pick this topic today because I seem to have a lot of anger. It is directed at one person. Is that healthy? Is that a good thing? Or is it going to catch up to me and ruin my life?

In one of the paragraphs above it says that it can be a good thing. A way to express negative feelings and motivate you to find solutions to the problem.

Have I found a solution? Or have I made things more difficult by bringing other problems into it?

Have I been covering up my anger by doing things that maybe I shouldn't be doing? Am I burying all my feelings so that I don't have to deal with them by doing things that I know is not smart to do?

I have been working so hard at trying to be very positive in everything that I do. I didn't realize how much anger I have been burying until one thing happened and it is turning me into a very angry person with the one person that has caused it. But if I don't control or figure it out. That anger is going to overflow to everything else in my life. And maybe it has in some ways already.

Because as I lay here typing about anger, I am realizing that it is slowly taking over my life. I don't go to church because of anger towards people in my ward. I get irritated really fast at stupid people at work. I am quick at making harsh judgements, when I should be taking a step back and really looking at the situation.

Am I making decision based on the anger I feel? I would have to say yes! I feel like every time something happens with me trying to get this divorce I am taking a step back instead of taking that step forward. Do I still think that I am doing the right thing? Yes. That is the only thing that I am positive about. My life as far as being separated from Gerald has been much approved. Do I need more work on myself esteem, my anger towards Gerald? Yes! I don't know if I can forgive him, but I do know that I need to turn my anger into something else towards him. Maybe empathy? But I don't know if that is the right answer either.

My answer is I don't know...I do know that I need to turn this anger into something else before it consumes me and I am ruined because of it. A very dear friend told me that the only person that I am helping because of my anger is the devil. Do I want to help such a person. NO! Not my intent.

So my goal is to somehow turn this anger into something else. What, I don't know! But I do know that I need to figure it out. One day at a time!

Obstacles and Strengths....

So I saw these two quotes today at my counselor's office. The first one is by Michael Jordan.

"Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go thru it, or work around it."

The second is by Rikki Rogers.

"Strength doesn't come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn't."

I have definitely had a lot of obstacles in my life for the past year, and unfortunately they are not done. It seems like I think that everything is going ok, then I get slapped in the face on how stupid I am. Not necessarily stupid, but maybe naive. Or I am easily fooled. Why do I seem to always go back to that I can't do anything right, that I am stupid, I don't know what I am talking about person. I thought that I was passed that. That I had gained a better self esteem of myself. But I still let Gerald affect me that way in some dealings with him.

I am going to have to start doing what the quotes says about obstacles. Just figure out away to not let it affect me. To be able to stand up to him and not back down. That will become my new strength. I will be able to overcome this too, and it will be another strength that I have gained. Another build to my self esteem. Another notch in my belt so to speak. Another one of lives lessons that I will learn.  

I guess that I really needed to see these quotes today! It is funny how when you need something to inspire you or to help you with a problem. You usually get an answer somehow, someway.

Divorce....

So I was just sitting here thinking about my divorce. It seems like it is a long process to go thru. 

I have had the papers in for about 2 months. Got all signed, they sent them to the courts in Idaho. Then Idaho decided that I needed to jump through all the little loop holes that there is. What a pain.

I have one paper left for Gerald to sign. All he has to do is sign in front of notary. Do you think he could do it in timely manner. Of course not. Now he is making me wait for that one paper. He has had it for almost 3 weeks. He told me last week that he would read thru the papers and get them signed. When I asked him about the day before he left. He said he would get it done when this next week. So it will be almost 4 weeks that he has had that paper. 

What do I think he is trying to do. Who knows. But again I am the one that is waiting for something that I want done. Like always. The only time that he does something right off the bat, is if he wants it done. I know that this sounds like a bitch session. Maybe it is. But I still have that fear, not really fear. I don't know what I would call it. But I just can't seem to say exactly what I want to say to him. I can't ever seem to be able to get him to do something for me when I want it done. I am always waiting. 

This is another problem with our marriage. I come second to him. Never first. Not that I want to be first all the time, just sometimes would be nice. It seems like whatever he has going is more important than what I feel needs to get done. 

Example, I had been wanting the pantry redone for the last 3 years. We even talked about what to do . Did it get done. Nope. He got a shed built, because that is what he wanted to do. 

I am under the firm believe that when you are in a relationship each of you need to give a 110%. There is no 50/50. You have to give it your all for it to work. 

I think this is where we went wrong. For the last 10+ years we have been living like roommates with kids. We didn't date, socialize at all with each other. He did his thing I did mine. We never talked. Only if we had to . We would talk about the kids, but that was all. I wish now that I look back on it that we would have done more dating, more communicating. We lost each other amongst the world. It came to be more important to be in front of the computer or television. I think that technology took over our lives. I think that it takes over every ones lives.

There needs to be a balance with things. Especially in a relationship. I remember when we first got married. We did everything together. We talked ,we played games, we went out with friends, or by ourselves on a date. Kept us going on our relationship. Then we started adding in cell phones, computers on the internet, television.  We forgot all the little things that we did with each other. We didn't have that balance in our relationship anymore!

Divergent.....

This last week I went to go see this movie! Awesome movie! But it made me think about our different aspects of our lives! There are five different groups that the community was put into. When you became of age you were tested to see what group you would be in. Now most of them would pass as the group they were already in. But at the next day you were able to choose what group you wanted to be in. Now there was some kids that were tested that could be any of the five groups. They were called divergents.

Dauntless: dedicated to courage, bravery, and fearlessness. Dauntless Manifesto: "We believe that cowardice is to blame for the world’s injustices. We believe that peace is hard-won, that sometimes it is necessary to fight for peace.

Abnegation: the one and only faction that is dedicated to selflessness and forgetting oneself for the sake of others. Abnegation Manifesto:  "I will be my undoing If I become my obsession.
I will forget the ones I love If I do not serve them.
I will war with others If I refuse to see them.
Therefore I choose to turn away from my reflection,
To rely not on myself
But on my brothers and sisters,
To project always outward
Until I disappear.

and only God remains."

Candor: they value honesty. Candor Manifesto:"Dishonesty is rampant, Dishonesty is temporary, Dishonesty makes evil possible." 

Erudite: The one and only faction dedicated to knowledge, intelligence, curiosity, and astuteness.

Erudite Manifesto:

                                            We submit the following statements as truth:

1. 'Ignorance' is defined not as stupidity but as lack of knowledge. Lack of knowledge inevitably leads to lack of understanding.
2. Lack of understanding leads to a disconnect among people with differences.
3. Disconnection among people with differences leads to conflict.
4. Knowledge is the only logical solution to the problem of conflict.

Therefore, we propose that in order to eliminate conflict, we must eliminate the disconnect among those with differences by correcting the lack of understanding that arises from ignorance with knowledge.

Amity: the one and only faction that is dedicated to peacefulness, kindness, forgiveness, trust, self-sufficiency, and neutrality

Amity Manifesto: Trust

A son says to his mother:
“Mother, today I fought with my friend.”
His mother says: “Why did you fight with your friend?”
“Because he demanded something of me, and I would not give it to him.”
“Why did you not give it to him?”
“Because it was mine.”
“My son, you now have your possessions, but you do not have your friend. Which would you rather have?”
“My friend.”
“Then give freely, trusting that you will also be given what you need.”

• Self-Sufficiency

A daughter says to her father:
“Father, today I fought with my friend.”
Her father says: “Why did you fight with your friend?”
“Because she insulted me, and I was angry.”
“Why were you so angry?”
“Because she lied about me.” (In some versions: “Because I was hurt by her words.”)
“My daughter, did your friend’s words change who you are?”
“No.”
“Then do not be angry. The opinions of others cannot damage you.”

• Forgiveness

A husband says to his wife:
“Wife, today I fought with my enemy.”
His wife says: “Why did you fight with your enemy?”
“Because I hate him.”
“My husband, why do you hate him?”
“Because he wronged me.”
“The wrong is past. You must let it rest where it lies.”

• Kindness

A wife says to her husband:
“Husband, today I fought with my enemy.”
Her husband says: "Why did you fight with your enemy?”"
“Because I spoke cruel words to her.”
“My wife, why did you speak cruel words to her?”
“Because I believed them to be true.”
“Then you must no longer think cruel thoughts. Cruel thoughts lead to cruel words, and hurt you as much as they hurt their target.”

• Involvement (Used to be part of the Manifesto but later got taken out)

One friend says to another:
“Friend, today I fought with my enemy.”
The other friend says: “Why did you fight with your enemy?”
“Because they were about to hurt you.”
“Friend, why did you defend me?”
“Because I love you.”
“Then I am grateful.”

Divergent: relating to or being an infinite sequence that does not have a limit or an infinite series whose partial sums do not have a limit .

 

So where do each of us fall into? Which faction are we or are we a Divergent?

I would hope that we are all different that we are not all Divergent, but we are each in a different faction.

What am I?

I am not sure what faction I fall into.

 

 





Relationships and Intimacy

I have been thinking a lot about relationships and intimacy....Do they go hand in hand? Can you have a relationship with anyone without having the intimacy? Can you go without a relationship and just have intimacy?

First of all the definition of Intimacy is about being emotionally close to a partner, about being able to let your guard down, about letting her or him know how you really feel. Intimacy is about being able to accept and share your partners feelings, about being there when he/she wants to let their defenses down.

The definition of a Relationship...an emotional or connection to another person.

So just by the definitions alone they do go hand in hand. No you can't have any type of a relationship without intimacy. If you have intimacy you have a relationship.

I know I have a hard time with all parts of intimacy. It is hard to find that someone that you can let your guard down and be close to. Because if you let that person in, they are almost always going to hurt you. So you put that wall up. So your relationship ends up being just a sexual intimacy...You are just out for that physical touch. Don't let them in for anything else. Is that a good relationship? Probably okay at first, but at some point you are going to have to let your wall down and become more than just sexually intimate. The sex part does not last forever. You need to be able to connect with someone on the emotional side to. 

You have to be able to have both the physical and the emotional intimacy for a relationship to withstand all things in life. If you don't, you will lose in the long run. You will be alone.

I know for a fact that in my marriage there was neither. There was not emotional or physical in our relationship for a very long time. That was our downfall. That is why our relationship did not stand the test of time. 

I hope as I am going back into the dating scene that I can remember that a relationship and intimacy go hand in hand. That if I find that one person that is my "soul mate", that I will have both the physical and emotional intimacy in our relationship. Because I know that you need to have both in order to have a strong foundation for your relationship.

Here are a couple of quotes that I found on relationships and intimacy.

So thru out my life now my goal is to be able to find that someone that I can connect deeply with that I feel like I can see into their soul. Wow! How would that feel? To have that type of a relationship with someone. To me, very scary. That means that I have left myself with my wall down and very vulnerable.

Well let see how it will go. To relationships and intimacy. Let's hope that I will be able to find that one person that will help me let the wall down and be vulnerable.