Holidays.....

So we made it thru Thanksgiving! Sorry to say that Christopher didn't make it home for Thanksgiving, but he is home now! Sure missed having him home!

I thought that things would be a little strained for Thanksgiving since I decided to stay home and invite the Gerald over. It wasn't bad. We ate dinner, laid around, and then we went to go see my dad. Ended up leaving without talking to my dad because he was sound asleep!

Then Anna and I went to black Friday! That is always a fun thing for me to go to. I love going. I think that I would even go, even if I didn't have anything to buy. Just to watch all the craziness of it all.

Then the next day Gerald and I went down to Lehi to pick up my dad's car so that Anna and Christopher can use it. It was a nice day. We stopped in at Ikea. What an experience that was. Very overwhelming. But it would be fun just to go and actually look. We did a quick go thru, found a couple of things. And then left. Ate at Applebees. It was a nice time. I know that I told him that I would give things a try with no guarantee what would happen. I think that if anything happened it would be a very long time. I still don't trust him. I always wonder what he is doing at home. That is always in the back of my mind.

I am not sure what to think or do...............time will tell! They say time will heal all wounds! I don't know about that. I am trying though. But I don't know if things will be the same between us. Maybe I put to much thought into it.

Anniversary.....

Well today is my 21st anniversary. For me kind of a bah hum bug day. My counselor today asked me if I felt like I made a mistake about getting a divorce. Sometimes I do, but for the most part I am good with my decision. Not because I don't love him anymore, but because we can't live together anymore.  He asked what I missed most about not being together. I really could not tell him. I honestly didn't know. I think that I miss what we should have had. What I wish I had.

Like I told the counselor today, I feel like that for 21 years of being married, that I wish that he would have fought more to stay married. I feel like he gave in the minute I said don't come home. There was no fighting for our marriage. I said a lot, but the action wasn't there.

Don't get me wrong. We had a lot of good times. We have beautiful, awesome kids. I wouldn't trade that time for anything.

I take from this experience a lot of learning about myself, and what I need to change. I am work in progress. I hope that I can change for the better and learn not repeat the wrong things I did. Hope for better tomorrows, fondness of the years pass, and happiness in the years to come.

I found this quote. I think that it is how I feel right now.

Relationships begin to weaken, then fail when we stop doing the things that it took to get them in the first place.



Family.....

 

Tis the season, right? Shouldn't we all be about family? No matter what it is or who did what we should all love each other no matter what! Isn't that what family is all about? We stick together thru the good times and the bad times! I am beginning to wonder!

Anyone who has inheritance coming there way it isn't worth loosing your family over! It isn't worth pinning one against another. It is just money, it is just things! I can't believe that the things and money are more important than staying a family after the parents are gone.

Your family will always be there for you, no one else will. If you loose your family who are you going to go to, who are you going to celebrate with, and who are you going to cry with?

You will sacrifice all that for money?

I love my father, mother, and siblings dearly. My mom has been gone now for 12 years. My dad is in a nursing home battling Alzheimer's. He is in the end stages. And all brothers can think of is who gets the money! Who cares! I will gladly give up my money just so that I can keep my family together.

I know that my parents did not raise us to be like this. My mother is probably turning over in her grave with grief because my brothers are turning against each other over money!

I think that families need not be involved in their inheritance! I think that an outside person should take care of that! Just a thought! If you take anything away from this, take this quote! Remember when you are dealing with family. Because it is true, having both is a blessing!

 

Having a place to go - is a home.  Having someone to love - is a family.  Having both - is a blessing.  ~Donna Hedges


Failure.......

I have been thinking a lot about failure. I keep thinking that this is my second failure in marriage. Do I really want to say that I have been married twice? I really don't think that as a young girl I said "Oh it would fun to be married twice and divorced twice!" Did I bring this on myself because I didn't learn how relationships should be? Or because I didn't learn from the first one! It is kind of scary to think that if I get married again it will be my third time! Maybe the third time will be the charm. This is why I am going to counseling. I don't want this to happen again because I haven't learned from my mistakes.

I don't want failure to define my life! I am going to begin again. Learn from this. My biggest lesson is communication. Boy is that the biggest thing in marriage. It isn't the intimacy, the friendship. You always will have those if you have a communication with each other. I mean really how can you be friends and be intimate if you don't communicate with each other. I still have a hard time communicating. I just let it build up! It doesn't matter what I think about what people do, because it is just what I think. It only matters if I talk to them. I get so mad at things that he does, but I don't give him a chance to defend himself, because I don't communicate with him. Even though  relationship is done as husband and wife, I still have to be able to communicate to him for our children. Just because I am realizing this, does not mean that I am doing this all the time! I have a real hard time with communicating. Maybe I should just have him read this! That will be my communication.

"Communication is the solvent of all problems and is the foundation for personal development." —Peter Shepherd

Balance and addictions.....

I wasn't going to post today, but got thinking, that what realized today in counseling was worth posting. Maybe it will help me find that balance in life and help curb my addiction.

 

Now you probably think, addiction is like cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol. Well it involves anything that you obsess over. So mine is junk food and soda. I didn't realize how much of addiction until my counselor broke it down for me. So hold on to your socks. I spend 2,184 dollars a year just on soda. That is 15 cans a day, 840 oz a week, and 43,680 oz a year. Totally shocked that pants of me. Couldn't believe that I drank that much soda. Yikes! So we figured out that I probably spend about 1 month and a week in a half or 1 hour of an 8 hour work day on soda alone! That is way to much hard earn money to spend on soda!

 

The balance part of this is that I need to learn to balance my life out. I need to balance physical, social, spiritual, mental, financial, and emotional. How do you do that? I have never been able to balance anything, especially financial. Hope I can learn how to balance my life out. Learn to do things in moderation. LETS GET BALANCE BACK IN OUR LIVES!

 

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony. Thomas Merton 

Relationships......

 



To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship.  ~Doménico Cieri Estrada

Well I decided to write on relationships today! Since mine is on a different road these days!

                 It is hard to have a relationship with people in general. There are so many different types of relationships that are out there. You have your best friend relationship. Now that one is one of basically unconditional love. Whatever you do you are always there for each other. My best friend is always there for me and I would hope that she feels the same way. I don't know what I would do without her. We have gotten ourselves thru some pretty fun times and rough times. She is basically my sister. This relationship will always be here for years.

 

Then you have the acquaintances. Now those are just there. You laugh, you might even cry with them. But you don't ever tell your deepest darkest secrets to them. That is for the best friend.

 

The pass bys. Oh I haven't seen you for years! How are things going, etc.

The love of your life relationship. The Mr & Mrs. That relationship should be your other best friend. That relationship is the one that you share intimacy with, your deepest dark secrets, you are with thru the hard times and the good times. The one that you can sit in a room and not have to talk. That you are comfortable with enough that you can fart in bed with. The one that if you are the closest to. Yes you have your best friend, but your spouse should always be the one that you are closest to.

 

I thought that I had that kind of relationship with my husband! And maybe we did at some point. But if you don't nurture that relationship, it goes. Just like the saying says, you have to know when to go away, and when to make it stronger. Me, I had to let it go away, so that we could have a friendly relationship for our kids sake. Now our relationship has gone to the acquaintance stage. Where we might laugh with each other, we could have fun with each other, but the intimacy is gone.

 

I hope at some point that we can get the best friend relationship back. Because he is the father of my kids. We will always be together because of that. I want to be able to sit in a room with him and not feel like I am an acquaintance with him. That we are close and best friends.

 

So a broken relationship is like a death. We will go thru the mourning period, but hopefully get the best friend relationship back together for our children.



Feeling.........

A lot has happened since I wrote the last time! I have had a lot of ok times some not so okay times. Today is probably one of the not so okay times.

Let me start back on Sunday. Sunday morning I got up to take Ollie out. Of course it is November, so it had snowed during the night. Me, being who I am, put flip flops on to take Ollie. Make a long story short I slipped and fell on my cement stairs. Not backwards, forward on my right knee and the shin. Talk about painful. Took myself to ER. They said that I probably just bruised the knee and shin pretty good. Next morning woke up to my knee swollen about two times the size of my other. So yes, of course I took myself to the Dr. So yes, I did have x-rays and was put on bed rest until Thursday! So which meant I got a week off of work. That was an okay thing. Knee cap was not broken, but I do have arthritis in the knee. Yippee for me. Another sign of getting older.

On Wednesday went to go see Christopher at detention. It was good to see him, but not what I wish for my son. Thursday had to go to court for Christopher. He plead not guilty so we do have another court to go to. He will be in detention until November 30th. But not sure if he will get out then.

So that is my week in a nutshell. Oh, went back to work on Friday.

Now for the not so good feeling. I feel so alone. I feel like I am loosing my kids to my soon to be ex husband. I so badly want to curl up in my bed and waste away! Now I know that I can't do that, but that is how I feel. I keep myself going because of my kids. I know that I am the one that kicked my husband out of the house, but at the time it was because I needed space. Things were not good, and him doing what he was doing just pushed things over the edge. But from day one, he has basically made the decision for me. I guess I am one that needs someone to show me that they love me, not just say it, and action are totally opposite of what he says. Within the first week he had a p.o. box, checking accounts switched. In the mean time telling me that he loved me and doesn't want a divorce. Totally stopped doing anything around to help around the house. His answer to that is why should I, you kicked me out. But he stopped doing anything along time ago. He would do stuff that he wanted done, which is ok, but it would have been nice to throw stuff in that his wife wanted done also.

I know that this is all one sided. I also know that I was part of the problem. Part of my problem is keeping everything inside, not communicating, not wanting the intimacy. I know that I have these issues and I am trying to work at them with a counselor. So that in the future, if I do have a relationship with another man, that I don't do the same things.

But I wish that I could get rid of these feelings of being alone, being in deep despair. I wish that I felt like I had something. And I feel like I have nothing. I feel like I have lost everything in my decision to do this. I so want someone to just take me and hold me and tell me that everything will be okay in the end.

When we are angry or depressed in our creativity, we have misplaced our power. We have allowed someone else to determine our worth, and then we are angry at being undervalued.

Benjamin Spock

Halloween!

Well Halloween was a success according to Devin. He said he got 200 pieces of candy! I guess that is success in a six year old eyes. I wish that I could be back at the stage in life where I could measure my success by how many pieces of candy I received on Halloween. Wouldn't that make life a lot easier and less stressful.

Things around our house has been a little on the quiet side for the last couple of days! I really miss having Christopher around. Even though he can be a stinker sometimes, he completes our family.

I am starting up on my diet again. I sure hope that I can stay on it. It seems like every time that I try start up again something happens. I am going to stick to it this time! I am determined. Maybe if I loose weight I will feel better about myself and healthier!

I have started out slow. I have cut out my soda again. Why is that the soda taste so much better than the water?

Tomorrow I will start back on my herbalife shakes. They are the best. I felt really good when I was having those shake twice a day! They are delicious. I have two of those shakes a day, eat three healthy snacks, and a healthy dinner. Drink plenty of water. I drink about 140 oz of water a day! They say that you should take your weight and divide in half, and that is how much water you should be drinking a day. That is a lot of water.

So far the last couple of days I have just gotten thru the day. I feel like I am just going thru the motions of what I have to do for the day. I hope that as I am keeping my self busy and doing things to improve my life and the life of my kids, that I will feel better about myself.

The good things that have happened. I got to spend Halloween with a great friend and her family. I took Anna and Devin to a movie last night called Free Birds. It was an ok movie, but it was nice to spend time with my kids.

Today is a Happy Day because I say it is.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie