Feeling.........

A lot has happened since I wrote the last time! I have had a lot of ok times some not so okay times. Today is probably one of the not so okay times.

Let me start back on Sunday. Sunday morning I got up to take Ollie out. Of course it is November, so it had snowed during the night. Me, being who I am, put flip flops on to take Ollie. Make a long story short I slipped and fell on my cement stairs. Not backwards, forward on my right knee and the shin. Talk about painful. Took myself to ER. They said that I probably just bruised the knee and shin pretty good. Next morning woke up to my knee swollen about two times the size of my other. So yes, of course I took myself to the Dr. So yes, I did have x-rays and was put on bed rest until Thursday! So which meant I got a week off of work. That was an okay thing. Knee cap was not broken, but I do have arthritis in the knee. Yippee for me. Another sign of getting older.

On Wednesday went to go see Christopher at detention. It was good to see him, but not what I wish for my son. Thursday had to go to court for Christopher. He plead not guilty so we do have another court to go to. He will be in detention until November 30th. But not sure if he will get out then.

So that is my week in a nutshell. Oh, went back to work on Friday.

Now for the not so good feeling. I feel so alone. I feel like I am loosing my kids to my soon to be ex husband. I so badly want to curl up in my bed and waste away! Now I know that I can't do that, but that is how I feel. I keep myself going because of my kids. I know that I am the one that kicked my husband out of the house, but at the time it was because I needed space. Things were not good, and him doing what he was doing just pushed things over the edge. But from day one, he has basically made the decision for me. I guess I am one that needs someone to show me that they love me, not just say it, and action are totally opposite of what he says. Within the first week he had a p.o. box, checking accounts switched. In the mean time telling me that he loved me and doesn't want a divorce. Totally stopped doing anything around to help around the house. His answer to that is why should I, you kicked me out. But he stopped doing anything along time ago. He would do stuff that he wanted done, which is ok, but it would have been nice to throw stuff in that his wife wanted done also.

I know that this is all one sided. I also know that I was part of the problem. Part of my problem is keeping everything inside, not communicating, not wanting the intimacy. I know that I have these issues and I am trying to work at them with a counselor. So that in the future, if I do have a relationship with another man, that I don't do the same things.

But I wish that I could get rid of these feelings of being alone, being in deep despair. I wish that I felt like I had something. And I feel like I have nothing. I feel like I have lost everything in my decision to do this. I so want someone to just take me and hold me and tell me that everything will be okay in the end.

When we are angry or depressed in our creativity, we have misplaced our power. We have allowed someone else to determine our worth, and then we are angry at being undervalued.

Benjamin Spock