Constant Change......

Life is constantly changing. We are constantly doing things that change the outcome of our lives. So many of our decision in life will change the outcome of our life. Like divorce, dating, and marriage. Or other things. like making the decision to go one direction instead of another to get somewhere. Or decision to be happy instead of angry or mad all the time. So what is my outcome in life? 

Don't know yet. But I am trying to be happier, to be more content, to not have anger towards people. Has it change what is going on in my life, maybe a little, but I am sure that as time goes things will change, Hopefully for the better.

The holidays are upon us. There are so many things that we could change about how we perceive the holidays. Why not start teaching our kids that it is better to give than to receive. That it is better to do service for other people that don't have much for the holidays. Our gift would be a better life, a better love for mankind. 

I am hoping that I can teach my kids about love for other people. That they will be able to learn to serve and give to mankind, instead of always taking. 

I am making a conscious decision to be happy for Gerald. Be happy that he has found someone to maybe fall in love with again. Is it hard to do this? Hell yes. I know that she does not take the place of me with my kids, but it is hard for me to see someone else that will be doing things with my kids this weekend, that I should be doing with them. Like going to the Festival of Lights. That is my tradition with my kids, That is what we did every year. Going to Novemeberfest. Enjoy the start of the season of Christmas. I am happy for him, but it is hard to grasp hold that I will be lonely for the holidays. That I won't have a partner for the holidays, to enjoy that intimacy that is shared during this time. The joy, the fun, the excitement of giving to each other. I wish him all the happiness, but this will be a hard holiday season for me in the aspect of things, but I do have my kids that will make the season bright and cheerful.

Overview.......

This has been a year of ups and downs....I wish it was more ups then it was downs.

But I have learned a lot over the year. I have learned a lot about myself, friends, dating, and loneliness.

Let me recap the year. I left my husband of 21 years...not an easy decision but one that had to be made. Was it a good one....It was a good one, but a very hard one. It hasn't been very easy at all. I have had to learn a lot about myself, about how to do things for myself.  How to try not to feel so alone in everything I do. Do I like it no...Do I feel like I am by myself in everything I do? Hell yes! Do I want someone to hold me, tell me everything will be ok, to laugh with? Yes! But I am sure that time will come. I am sure that I will find that one person that can feel that spot or emptiness in my life.

My dad passed away in December. I can't believe that it has been almost a year since he passed away. I never realized how much we depend on our parents until they are both gone from this life. From your everyday existense. Do I miss them? Yes! I wish that they were around to talk to, to go to when I have a problem and need a parent to help me. 

I have had fights with the ex, but I think that this has actually made me learn to communicate better with him....I have learned to think before I talk...Not that that always happens. But it happens more now then it not happening. So I am learning to let go of the hurtful feelings I have. Believe me they are not all gone. There is still hurt feelings, but I am learning to let go. I don't want to be that person that keeps the hurt around for the rest of my life. Not fair to me or who I end up with in a relationship.

Financially it has been crazy. I have lost how to keep up with bills. I don't have money, and I should be able to pay all my bills. Not that being suspended from work helped. Do I need to buckle down in life. Yes! Do I need to learn how to budget my money? Hell yes. 

Have I had fun this last year? I would say yes. I have met some interesting people. I have had some interesting dates. I have made some good friends along the way! Would I trade what I have done and learned this year for an unbroken home? Yes I would. But I am a different person now. I have learned that I can be myself and I don't have to impress anyone. That I deserve to be treated with respect, love, tenderness. I deserve to feel that passion for life, love. To have someone treat me with such passion and love. I can't wait to find that person. Because when I do my life will make sense. Life will be complete! Will I find that person? I hope so. Sooner than later!

My children through all this? Well I think most of them  have adjusted. I think right now Christopher is having the hardest time with it. Although he won't admit it.

My new years resolution! Yes I know that it isn't a new year yet, but I am going to start my new year now. To write things that are more positive. More about my family and things that are happening in our lives that are more positive. I am going to be better at doing my bills and having money to be able to do the things that my kids would like to do. I am going to be rich in life, not money and that will be ok.

ON TO BETTER THINGS!!!!!!!!

Repentance........

The repentance process...So how much do we actually know about how we go about repenting. Yes we know the normal basic steps. Which is 6 steps that you have to take.

1. Faith to rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ

2. Sorrow for committing the sin

3. Confession

4. Abandonment of sin

5. Restitution

6. Righteous living

Seems simple right? Doesn't seem like that would be hard to accomplish, until you actually have to do it. 

Lets take the first step...Faith to rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. What exactly does this mean? Well there is a scripture in Alma 34:17 “Therefore may God grant unto you, my brethren, that ye may begin to exercise your faith unto repentance, that ye begin to call upon his holy name, that he would have mercy upon you”. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is there for us. He suffered everything for us. So it is there for us to have faith in. So that we can change our heart, be cleansed, and be forgiven. It is hard to realize that Jesus Christ made such a sacrifice for us, so that we could have this process in our lives to be able become a better person.

2. Sorrow for committing the sin...not just sorrow, but godly sorrow. Godly sorrow is having such sorrow for committing the sin you are are heart broken for what you have done. Godly sorrow gives you a sincere desire to change and a willingness to take the consequence for your actions. Alma said it best: "Let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance."(Alma 42: 29)

3. Confession....Well you should know what this means. Of course you have to confess. It doesn't do any good to recognize the sin, and not confess it. In D&C 61:2 the Lord as promised, "I, the Lord, forgive sins, and am merciful unto those who confess their sins with a humble heart."

Confess your sins to your Heavenly Father with a sincere heart through prayer. Ask for forgiveness to the one that you have wronged. If it is a serious sin the go to your Bishop and confess.

4. Abandonment of sin....Forsaking the sin....This means simply never do it again. Regretting that you have done it. Stay away from situations that may cause you to commit the sin again, In D&C 58:43 it says, "By this ye may know if a man repented of his sins...behold, he will confess them and forsake them.

5. Restitution...To pay back, or take the consequences for the sin. Seeking to restore the damage as far as possible. If a liar, make the truth be known. As we do these things God will not mention our sins to us when we are being judged. What a great promise.  In Ezekiel 33: 15-16, it says, "If the wicked restore the pledge, give again that he had robbed, walk in the statues of life, without committing iniquity; he shall surely live, he shall not die.

None of his sins that he hath committed shall be mentioned unto him: he hath done that which is lawful and right; he shall surely live."

6. Righteous living....Living a life of obedience. It isn't enough to just stop sinning, you also have to live a life of obedience. A change of heart to fill your life with righteous living and to bring into your life activities that bring you spiritual uplifting. You have to strive to bring in to life to live all the commandments not just the ones that you disobeyed. D&C 1: 32, "he that repents and does the commandments of the Lord shall be forgiven."

Not so easy once you realize everything that is involved in those six steps. Is it worth it to go through all this process for a sin. You tell me! I think that it most definitely worth it. Look at the promises the Lord has given us if we repent of our sins. How could you pass that up. And wouldn't we be doing Jesus an injustice if we didn't repent. He suffered for us, so that we could repent. 

Courage......

This seems to be something I am lacking right now. COURAGE! I just came across this quote from President Monson today on FB. 

“Courage, not compromise, brings the smile of God’s approval. A moral coward is one who is afraid to do what he thinks is right because others will disapprove or laugh. Remember that all men have their fears, but those who face their fears with dignity have courage as well.... May we muster courage for the conflicts, courage to say no, courage to say yes, for courage counts.” ~Thomas S Monson

Very strong quote...Do we have the courage to stand up for what we believe, who we are as a person? I think that I don't have that courage right now. It is there, but to actually use it, and face my fears, nope. I guess that in some way I am a coward. I can't seem to face my fears. Let me tell you there is a lot of them. It seems like they keep reappearing to me...and break me down. How do you stand up to those fears. Have the courage to do what is right no matter what. Sometimes it is easier to take the easy road. Especially for me right now. I don't always want to know what will happen. I don't always want to know what someone might say. Or if I come out and say the things I need to will I lose the people in my life that I love having in my life. But I guess if I do, then they aren't meant to be in my life. This is a real struggle with me. 

I know that the courage that President Monson is talking about is to stand up for what is it right. And that is a struggle for me also. I tend to be quiet, and I shouldn't. But I think that it goes for any struggle in your life. We all face struggles that we don't always have the courage to face. Like I said if I do something about it, I am afraid to lose the friendship. Or if I don't do anything about it then I will always wonder what if I had said something. Do I have the courage? Nope I still don't.

We will all face fear, experience ridicule, and meet opposition. Let us—all of us—have the courage to defy the consensus, the courage to stand for principle. Courage, not compromise, brings the smile of God’s approval.Courage becomes a living and an attractive virtue when it is regarded not only as a willingness to die manfully but also as the determination to live decently. As we move forward, striving to live as we should, we will surely receive help from the Lord and can find comfort in His words. I love His promise recorded in the book of Joshua:

“I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. …

Why is this such a hard thing to have faith in. That the Lord is always there for you! That he will always be there for us. He may not always give a us what we want but he will do what it right for us.

It comes down to having faith and courage. 

You cannot be truthful if you are not courageous.
You cannot be loving if you are not courageous.
You cannot be trusting if you are not courageous.
You cannot enter into reality if you are not courageous.
Hence courage comes first... and everything else follows.”
                   
Osho, 1931-1990Indian Spiritual Teacher

                                                                    "Come to the edge."
                                                                 "We can't. We're afraid."

"Come to the edge."

"We can't. We will fall!"

"Come to the edge."

And they came.

And he pushed them.

And they flew.

Guillaume Apollinaire

French Poet and Philosophe

Lets have that courage to be able to be truthful, loving, trusting, and have reality in our lives.

My feelings now.....

I have gone to counseling for over a year now. Has it helped? For the most part yes it has, in most areas. Except one it comes to my Gerald. I seem to put the attack mode on with. I am always defensive with him. I can't seem to stop. I always feel like I have to protect myself from him, that I need to be on the defensive with him. Why? because I feel like I get no respect from him, no support from him. It is always his way that is better. I am done feeling like I am inadequate of a person, mother, and wife. I have never been good enough, and I am tired of feeling that way. 

I just want to give up. Runaway. I am tired of always feeling worthless when it comes to him and my son. I can't ever do anything right, I am bitch. I am constantly reminded of how much money Gerald gives me, that he helped with the yard. Mine you that he didn't help for over a year, but when my neighbor started helping clear out the weeds, he jumped right in to help. I am glad for the help, I thanked him for the help, but I know that he didn't do it for me. 

I am tired of how much money he says that he gives me beyond what he suppose to give me. I am tired of being told in so many different ways that I am a horrible person. That I don't care, that what I do is wrong. When do I get to feel like I worth something to someone. That someone supports me and respects me for who I am. 

I so desperately want to just crawl into a hole and stay forever. I have tried so hard to make my kids happy, to provide for them. And it is surprising how one child can tear you down, and make you feel like you are nothing. 

You know I have learned over the past month that there are guys out there that can treat a woman with respect, with love, compassion, that I should demand that from guys. Because that is how woman should be treated. But after tonight I just don't think that I deserve it. I think that I am just going to hide for awhile. 

There is only one person that I am falling for. And he is the best thing that has ever been in my life, but I don't think that I deserve him. He deserves to have someone better than me in his life. 

I think that I am just done. Done with it all. I will just become a hermit. 

This is how I feel. I can't handle being put down anymore. I think that I am feeling better about myself, and I get knocked down again, and again. 

I am so sorry everyone. That I am a horrible person. I will stay out of everyones way. I will just do what have to do from day to day! I love my kids dearly. I hate to think that I am not being the best mom that I can be. Or the best person I can be. 

I am done....Don't worry I just want to be a hermit...nothing else.

Getting life back in order.......

I listened to conference, well at least a couple of sessions. To me some of the apostles were trying to direct us to make sure that our lives are what they are suppose to be. Well, me personally, not there. But I am remedying that. I know that it will be a hard road for me. I have not been perfect for the last year in a half. I am ready to strive to be perfect though. I know that my salvation is important to me. That I need to have the gospel in my life. Will it be easy? Hell no! It will be the hardest thing I have to do in my life.

Elder Jorg Klebingat asked us on a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate your spiritual confidence before God? Me right now probably 2. Do I want to work at it being a 10. Yes! He gave us six things that we could do to obtain this.

1. Take responsibility for your own spiritual well being. Stop blaming everyone else for you not having that spirit with. Boy this is a big one for me! Why? because I have been doing this. Who cares what everyone else things or does. Worry about your spirituality. Worry about you keeping close to your heavenly father. Stop making excuses for why you are not trying to strive to be perfect. He know what you are choosing to do.

2. Take responsibility for your health. It helps your self esteem. Boyd K. Packer said that our spirit and our body are combined in such a way that our body becomes an instrument to our mind and a foundation to soul, and mind. Not just part of it.

4. Become really really good at repenting thoroughly and quickly. Because the Atonement of Jesus Christ is very practical you should apply it generously and often 24/7 because it never runs out. Always be repenting and asking for forgiveness. Always and often. It is there for us to lean on. 

5. Become good at forgiving. This is definitely a hard one for me. But it is something that I need to work at. I don't think that you can truly be happy if you are always angry at someone. Spiritual confidence gets stronger when you know and the lord knows that you have no ill feelings towards anyone.

6. Except trials, setbacks, and surprises as part of your moral experience. Choose to make these things lessons to learn from. We are put here on the earth to be tested and prove ourselves. So lets do it. Excepts the thing that happen to us. Take them as lessons in life and deal with them with happiness and a contrite spirit.

I think that his talk is the best. I loved his talk. This is how we should live our lives on a daily basis.

So lets take responsibility for ourselves, repent often, forgive and not have ill feelings towards anyone. And except things that come our way. 

The Scriptures......

So how many of us have been members are whole life, and never read the scriptures from the beginning to the end? I am going to bet that there is a lot of us out there that haven't. Oh we have read hear and there. We have done the scripture chases in seminary. But to actually sit down and read from cover to cover. Not a lot of us have done that. And maybe I am wrong it is only a handful. Well I am going to try to read the Book of Mormon. I think it is time that I gain a testimony for myself and not lean on everyone else. Because I can tell you that it isn't working that way. Time to put those big girl panties on, and lean on myself and God. In order to do that, I need to gain that testimony for myself. Is it possible, I think so.

So I am making it a goal from this date to start reading the Book Of  Mormon. Hopefully I will be able to get it read. 

In the words of President Kimball. Just do it!

Deadly sins of marriage..............

So I was on Facebook this morning and I came across this article on 7 Deadly Sins of Marriage. I thought that it would be a good thing to write on, considering I am looking for my third marriage. Maybe it will help someone out there, along with helping me.

The first deadly sin is Lust. Now I thought that this was just lusting after one woman, nope. It is anything with a sexual nature to it. Any sexual addiction, pornography, adultery, fornication, and  that same uncontrollable sexual desire will destroy your marriage. 

How do you prevent this. Make sure your mate is sexually satisfied, make sure that you are communicating what your desires are. I know that this is hard concept, because it isn't an easy concept for me to accomplish. My communication is getting better, but talking about sex and what I desire isn't that easy. But it is a necessity. How else are you suppose to know your partners desires. If you are not getting your needs met, master those impulses, prepare your partner so that she has that desire to share those intimate times with you. I can't tell you how important this is in a marriage. It is right up there with communicating. Chasity is the opposite of lust.

The second is Sloth. Indifference to your partner. Communicate with them, yes communicate. You can talk to each other about your day. Tell them the things you need and want. Be interested interested in what they say. Find out if they need something, if they are feeling sick or hungry. See if they want some alone time or go for a walk with them. Don't be just sitting on the Internet or do something that only takes one to do. Get up off your asses and do something with your spouse. Enjoy that time with each other. You should want to spend time with each other after being apart from each other during the day. Diligence is the opposite of sloth.

Third is Gluttony and Drunkenness. Excessive assumption of food, addiction to harmful substances. Not good for you or your spouse. Unhealthy and leaves your spouse alone and in a state of despair. If you love someone don't do this to them. If you have an addiction get help and not just from your spouse. Be able to admit that there is an addiction, go to the classes for that addiction. Have your spouse go with you so that they will understand where the addiction is coming from. These addictions only lead to a dead end. Temperance is the opposite of gluttony.

Fourth is Wrath...Not a good one. Don't spend your time having anger, hatred, and intolerance for your spouse. Enjoy the time with each other, find a way to find the humor in things, laugh at life. Don't let life problems become why your marriage ended. Finding the humor in things will show you that it wasn't all that bad a few minutes ago. Pray for the peace and patience. Control your tongue. Don't say the first thing that comes out of your mouth. It isn't healthy to have so much hatred and anger in your marriage. This is another one that I have learned is not good. I spent a lot of times being angry and hatred for my spouse that I ended up sad and miserable. And so did he. So much so , that we ended up being room mates instead of husband and wife. Not healthy. Patience is the opposite of wrath.

Fifth is Envy. Wow this is a good one. I definitely had envy. I would always look at couple and wished that my marriage could be like that. That we could always be falling in love with each other every day. Instead of envy someone else. Do that in your own relationship. You control your own Happily Ever After. It is not a fairy tale. Charity is the opposite of envy.

Sixth is Greed. How many of us always want to keep up with the Jones. Well you will never be able to keep up with them. So stop trying. Be happy with what you have. Greed just gets in the way of you being happy. Of enjoying life. Why would you not want to enjoy your life and be happy. That is my goal, is to be happy. Not what everyone else has. I am happy with what I have. I have worked hard for what I have. And I am damn proud of that. Don't worry about what you don't have and be happy with what you do have. Because it will get in the way of making a happy life with your spouse. Generosity is the opposite of greed.

Sixth is pride. Pride is also known as the mother of all sins. Other synonyms are: arrogance, vanity, insolence and vainglory. It stems from enmity, as explained by the religious leader Ezra Taft Benson. A proud person will never apologize; in a marriage relationship that attitude becomes a deadly weapon. In a relationship where none, or just one of them, is humble enough to ask for forgiveness, with surety will not become a nest of happiness and bliss. Learn to be humble, to love and respect your partner. Control your ego and recognize the excellent abilities, gifts and talents of your spouse. Recognize her efforts to please you. Be a faithful friend and constant companion to the person you promised to spend the rest of your days with. Humility is the opposite of pride.

Seventh is you can change....are you guilty of any sins in your relationship? If so, it is never to late to change one of the deadly sins of marriage for one of the seven virtues in marriage. 

Relationship Ready or Not........

Was it just a feeling that one day you woke up with? Or is something that just comes on slowly? Or was it just when you happen to meet the right person? These are very valid questions to ask! But I really think that it is a personal decision. There is no one answer to this. It depends fully on you!

Just remember that it takes two to tango. So you were part of the problem in the marriage, so make sure that you have made changes for yourself so that you don't go thru the same thing with the next relationship.

First of all, when you go thru a divorce it really plays with your self esteem. You start believing that you are a failure! You need to make sure that you fix this. Believe me, I have had experience with this. I have been thru two divorces, not fun. Make sure that you like and love yourself, because that is the only way that you are going to be able to love someone else.

Second, make sure you are not bringing in the same problems that you had in the marriage into your next relationship. If you have problems with communication, work on it. Learn how to communicate. If you have problems with intimacy, work on it. Work on all your problems so you don't bring those problems into your next relationship. Because if you do, you will end up in divorce again,

Third, hold yourself responsible. Don't lay blame with your ex all the time. It take two to tango. So yes you were part of the problem. Just like it takes two to make a marriage work, it takes two to destroy it also.

Fourth.Remember that your kids are going thru this too. They have to be ready for a new guy in your life. Make sure they can handle it. You may find out that they aren't ready to see you with another guy. Talk to them make sure that they are ready for you to bring another man into their lives. Don't bring every guy that you date home with you. Make sure that he is one that will be around for awhile so that you aren't putting your kids through more stress.

Fifth. Remember that your marriage is dead not you. Mourn the loss of your marriage, then move on. You are still very much alive. Your heart still beats and you still yearn for an attachment to another. Treat the end of your marriage as a new beginning. An opportunity to change for the better, practice the art of forgiveness, and hold yourself accountable. If you do these things you will have a better chance at making the next relationship your in last. 

Hopefully you can find that guy who is going to be your first and last kiss for the rest of your life. That the second time around is going to be better than you ever thought possible.

I personally hope that I find that guy that will be my first and last kiss. That will be my best friend, my forever friend. The one that will make me want to be a better person and partner. 

So don't go out when you aren't ready to move on. And when you are guys/gals, make sure that that person will respect you for wanting to wait for intimacy. I like the idea of not being kissed on the first date. I like the idea of talking, and just being with someone without having intimacy involved at first. There is plenty of time for intimacy in a relationship. And what if you don't hear from that person again. Well then you just basically had a make out session with someone you don't even know. How would that make you feel?  Kudos to the ones that wait. It is awesome when you finally do kiss, because that anticipation is there and you have already started liking that person. That person is there because they like you, not just for the make out session.

"Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy is staying in an unhealthy marriage, teaching your kids the wrong thing about love. Nobody ever died from divorce." But lets learn from it. Lets not repeat the same habits, so that we can show our kids a healthy loving relationship. 

What makes you tick?........

What makes you tick? I was asked this question the other night by my friend Darrin. And I honestly don't really know what the answer would be. What does it mean to ask someone what makes them tick? Well just in case you don't know what that means I will tell you. It means what motivates you to live your life day to day! What keeps you going thru your day to day life. I think that is a hard question for people to answer. At least it is a hard one for me. Maybe I don't know who I am completely, because that seems like a very easy question to answer. 

So I have thought about it. I am not a big reader, but if a topic interest me I will look it up and read about it. My kids motivate me to do just be alive. To enjoy life, to laugh, and to cry. But the one thing that I love doing is probably being around people. People interest me. I love seeing how other people interact with family, friends, and co workers. How they deal with everyday life. I like to see how people handle situations. I am definitely a people person. Not one of those ones that need to be with a crowd of people all the time, but one that can sit in the back and just watch what people do or how they interact with each other.

My other tick in life is DIY projects. I love changing things and making my house, my personality. Decorating it to fit me and my family. I love making new things old looking. I love to transform things to make them look better or for a different use.  It is relaxing to me. 

This blog has become a tick in my life. I love to be able to write down my feelings, things that I have questions on, or finding a topic to write on. Like this one.

So maybe as we go thru life we should think about the things that make us tick! The things that help us get thru the day, to live our life. 

So figure out those ticks in your life. Because if you figure out those ticks in life your life is going to be better and happier. You will be doing the things that make you the happiest. Don't get me wrong you will have those times that are down, but that is part of life. Just don't let life pass you by and leave you asking yourself why you didn't do the things that made you happy!

ENJOY LIFE!

Intimacy.....

Everyone has their own definition of intimacy. Intimacy is a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person. Intimacy that is genuine requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability, and reciprocity. I know that I missed out on that intimacy with my past relationships. Especially after last night.

Do you know that you can actually have an intimate time with someone without having to have fondle each other. That it takes a tenderness, sweetness, and just the caressing of your skin around your face, your arms, and your back...to take you to heights and intimacy that I don't think anyone has been to. At least I know that I haven't been too. 

Well last night it happened. This very different guy, at least for me, asked me if he could kiss me. Now I have never been asked if I could be kissed. Then he asked if he could just hold me. And of course, I said yes. Now just to let you know this was our third date. Nothing, except talking happened on the first and second date. So we kissed. And let me to tell you, I have never been kissed like that before. It was a very slow, tender, and toe curling kiss. Then we snuggled on his bed, and just talked or looked into each others eyes. It was amazing how intimate and exciting it was. He kissed me on my ear down to my shoulder slowly and tenderly, while my body was tingling all the way to my toes, then blew on the kisses. Making me weak in the knees from the excitement. All without having to fondle each other. He took me to a level of intimacy that I never knew existed. One that I hope I can always be able to cherish, 

The reason for putting this on my blog? The remembrance for me that I can have my needs, without having a groping session with a guy, but by having a tender, sweet, and exciting make out session and go home feeling like you were respected and not raped of all your emotions. 

I cherish this time for the fact that it was the most exciting time I have ever had with a guy. I thank this guy for showing me that it is okay to be treated with tenderness, sweetness, and respect. That there is a different level to intimacy that is in a relationship.

I thank this guy again. And I know that whatever happens with this guy, this moment I had with him will be cherished because he taught me that it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

The perfect man....

Is there a perfect man/woman out there? Do we know what perfect is? Definition of perfect: 1. Lacking nothing essential to the whole; complete of it nature or kind. 2. Being without defect or blemish. 3. Thoroughly skilled or talented in a certain field or area, proficient. So then I put the question out there again; Is there a perfect man/woman out there?

Mae West said it best, "It's not the men in my life, but the lack of life in my men that worries me!"

This would be a perfect man..a man that has a life in him. The man that can listen, that has action, in his life. Not just the typical basic answers. He has to be good looking, kind, gentle, loyal, have respect, honest, but he also has to be able to listen and act. To me that would be the most intriguing aspect of a man. Can he listen, can he encourage, understand without having to give his advice. Can he act on what he says, can he show each and everyday that he cares and wants you all the time. Can we as woman do that? 

I think that perfect is in the eye of the beholder! My perfect is going to be different from my neighbors, best friend, or co worker. I have notice that since I am on my second divorce that looks are great, but it doesn't make that man. He could be good looking on the outside, but horrible on the inside. Hopefully for those woman that what it all they get both, but 9 out of 10 times a good looking guy is the guy that knows how to treat his woman, or is the perfect man for that woman. Or if you just go for the looks, that is what you are going to get. Me I have gotten to where I go for what strikes me as interesting, intelligent, funny, in their profile. Then I look at their picture. I wish that I could say that I am perfect in that I don't always go for the profile and not the look, but I am human. But I have been able to go thru some of their pictures, and decide that he isn't that bad of a guy. Look what he does with his kids, his life, willing to have that goofy picture on his profile. That shows me that he has a life.

Here are some quotes to help you understand perfect man.

Church......

Church...This has been a hard thing for me to contemplate this last couple of years. Especially this last year. With everything that has gone on this year I have not made it my best friend. I have turned away from it. I have done some stupid things, not like what certain people have done with me in my separation and divorce. Sometimes I feel that when I really needed the support of the ward, I did not have it. I still think that away. I feel that men gets more support from the church than women do. And he isn't even in the ward anymore. 

So how does this happen? Is it a male thing? Does the church have more respect for the male figures in the church than they do for the females? Or is it that I live in a small town? OR is it all me?  There are so many of my friends that have not had the support of the church, but their husbands have. I even had it in my own family with my parents! The leaders supported the males and not the woman. How does this happen in a church that should be loving and helping everyone no matter what, who, or where they come from. Am I just reading things into it or am I not really where I need to be when it comes to church? I believe in the teachings, but somewhere I have lost the faith, the hope, the love of the church.

Lately I have felt like I am missing a huge part of my life. I missing that purpose in life! I feel that I am not giving everything to my kids that they need. I think most of it is not being active in the church. Not having that calming spirit in my home! Am I ready to be a perfect mormon? Probably not. But I would like to have that spirit back in my home. I haven't had it for so long, I think that it needs to come back to my home!
How do you go back to having that spirit in your home? How do you bring Christ back to your home? Good question! I am figuring that one out! I do know that doing what I have been doing this past year is not helping! But I also know that the feelings I have towards some of the people in the church is not helping either. How do you get past the feelings, the dislike, the dislike that people in your life seem to have control over whether or not you go to church! Is it a control or is it my dislike for those people that is stopping me from going to church? There has to be away to get past this? I know prayer, faith, and forgiveness, but it isn't that easy!
Let me break this down. First Faith. To have faith is to have hope for things that are not seen, which are true. So I do have faith Christ. I believe in him, but maybe it isn't as strong as it should be. I need to get that faith stronger, to nurture that faith. Just as Alma says if plant a seed and nourish it, if it is good it will grow and bear fruit. Same goes for faith, if we are obedient to the commandments, study,  and have that desire to believe our faith will grow stronger. Do I have that belief, I hope so, because I need to have that faith to grow stronger in my spiritual life.
Hope. Well hope and faith kind of go together. They work together.  Hope is that confident expectation of and longing for the promised blessings of righteousness. The scriptures often speak of hope as anticipation of eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ. So do I have the longing for those blessings? Am I ready to have eternal life through my faith in Christ or even faith to believe that I have support from the members?

Forgiveness! Huge obstacle for me! I have a hard time being forgiving when someone hurts me the way that I got hurt from my Gerald. When people say mean things to you it is hard to forget those words. They stay with you. So how do you forgive people for being people, for being human? Here is quote from David E. Sorensen. "Forgiveness means that problems of the past no longer dictate our destinies, and we can focus on the future with God's love in our hearts!" So does my not forgiving the things that people have said to me dictate how I live my life? How my life is going? Where it will be going if I don't have some forgiveness?

Love or Friendship.......

How do you know if you are going to be just good friends or end up in love with each other.

I met this guy last week. Really nice guy. Very much into history, church, and just an all around good guy. He got me thinking about how we love each other, how we communicate, or deal with each other as people! Do we know each others needs, wants, and desires. Or do we just force our wants, needs and desire onto our significant other. I think out of not knowing how to love each other we force what we think we all want out of love on each other. 

How do we get passed that? Well Darrin, this guy I met, is on to something. It goes back to my last post. The color code and the 5 love languages. Like I said in my last post, I am white. The more I read about white, the more I see myself that color. Yes I have a few personalities from the other colors, but the dominant is White. 

Now last night I took the 5 Love Language test. My scores, if I remember correctly, were 10, 9, 6, 3, and 0. So I am Physical touch, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality time, and gifts. So as you can see I am more of the touching, service, type person. This analogy makes so much sense to me.  I have gotten to know myself that much better by taking these quizzes. I know that it sounds very off the wall, and I kind of thought so to, but the more that he explained things, and taking the test. The more I thought wow he is on to something. He is on to making his next relationship last. He will understand that much better how the other person will react to things, what they need. and what their desires are. He will make someone an awesome husband.  As for me, I have a learned a little bit more about myself.  Why I act the way I do sometimes. What I need out of a relationship. It makes me hopeful that when and if I get remarried, that I will be able to make it work and last an eternity.

I think that every couple should take these two test. I would challenge couples out there to take these two test. Old married, new married, and ones that are about to be married. I really do belief that this will help any marriage or relationship to become better. You can take them with your kids to. 

Life....

So I haven't been on here blogging since May. Wow that is a long time. A lot has happened.

Me personally, I still have my struggles. I still struggle with my self esteem. That I am worth something to someone. That it isn't a bad thing to be divorce twice. I am learning that I can be very assertive if I need to be. I am learning to communicate better. At least I think I am. 

Let me see! Things that have gone on in my life and my kids. Well we are done with summer. It went by fast. I didn't get to do all the things that I wanted to with my kids. But we did do a few little outings. 

Taylor, Anna, Devin, and me took a trip to Craters of the Moon. Christopher well he wouldn't get up. Didn't want to go. I really missed him. I wish that he would have went with us. We had a lot of fun. It was very interesting. I haven't been there since I was a little girl. So it was exciting to be able to take some of my kids to something that I had gone to when I was little.

July I took a few day and went to my High School Reunion. Lori, Dennis, and I went. Dennis is Lori's boyfriend. It was a lot of fun. I am sure glad that Lori has found someone that loves her for her. And isn't trying to change her, but trying to help her improve her life.

Did I have a slippery slope, as my counselor says. Yes! But I think I am done with those slippery slopes. At least I hope that I am. It wasn't a bad one, just one that I wouldn't tell me my kids about.

     Gerald and I got into one day. He literally was able to take my self esteem down several notches. He had said somethings that really cut me down and hurt me. I also said stuff that was probably damaging. I never thought that we felt that way about each.  Granted that some of it was true, but to say it out of anger. They always say that you will say stuff you shouldn't out of anger. Well we did. Gerald had basically told me that I was a horrible mother, that I didn't know anything about sex. That is why my first husband left me. I told him that he didn't have balls to stand up with his child. That maybe he should be more like a dad. That he is a dumb ass.  Talk about cutting someone low. But I have recovered from that a stronger person. Not fully, the words are always going to be there. They were said. There is no taking them back. But I realize that they are just words. That it doesn't matter what we thinks about each other. What matters is how I feel about ourselfs.

Work is crazy. New CEO. That is always scary. Don't know exactly what will go on, but I hope his changes will be good. I changed my shifts to the day time so that I could be home with my kids at night. This has actually been good. Hopefully I will be able to get my butt in gear and actually start cooking meals every night, instead of just once in awhile.

As far as a dating life! Not happening anymore. In fact, last night was the first date I have had in 1 month. Last night was the first time that I really enjoyed that conversation, and the company. Believe it or not he was LDS.  Who knows. But I did learn somethings that really made sense to me. 

He explained Personality Color Codes to me. That he goes by this in his relationships so that he can better understand his partners. So that he can be a better partner. He talked about the 5 love languages.

Words of Affirmation

• If this is your love language, words speak louder than actions. Terms of endearment, such as a simple "I love you," mean more to you than a wealth of gold as can thoughtful compliments on your appearance, gratitude and appreciation for your actions. Likewise, callous statements, such as "I hate it when you do that," can seem to hurt you more deeply and lastingly than if you were cut with a knife.

Quality Time

• If quality time is your love language, spending time together with your attention focused completely on one another is the most important thing to you in a relationship. Taking time for date nights is like fuel in your engine, while missed or canceled dates can be like a leak in your gas tank. People who value quality time most also value listening skills and can become tremendously hurt if they feel like you're not listening to them.

Receiving Gifts

• It's not the gift that counts, per se, but the thought behind it, even for those whose primary love language is receiving gifts. Still, a gift is symbolic of all the love, care and thoughtfulness that went behind it, and if this is your main love language, then you know this better than anyone. For these people, holiday gifts are very important. Meaningful gifts given spontaneously with no specific cause for celebration are sometimes appreciated more because of their unexpectedness. Missing a special occasion, however, can shatter such a person, whereas a simple well-chosen card can lighten up the day.

Acts of Service

• Here, the actions that speak even louder than words are actions taken to do things for the other person. If this is your love language, having the other person take some menial chore off your hands is more powerful a gift than any material object or "I love you." This isn't because you're lazy or want a lover who waits on you hand and foot. It's because you keenly appreciate the value in another person doing something she doesn't really relish doing, such as washing the dishes or doing the laundry, simply out of love for you. This kind of giving melts your heart, and its opposite -- broken promises -- hardens your heart, making you feel that the other person doesn't really care about you at all.

Physical Touch

• No words need be spoken, no gifts need be exchanged to make certain people happy in a relationship. If physical touch is your love language, all you need is a little tenderness. A gentle touch, holding hands, a passionate kiss. All these speak volumes more to you than anything your partner could do, give or say. On the other hand, recoiling from your touch could be the kiss of death for you. Negative touching, such as physical violence, could destroy not only the relationship but you as well.

The color code is a personality test that tells you what color you are. Then explains what that color means. Go to colorcode.com.

My color is White. Here is what it means.

MOTIVE [ Peace ]

Whites are motivated by Peace. They seek independence and require kindness. They resist confrontation at all costs. To them, feeling good is more important than being good. They are typically quiet by nature, process things very deeply and objectively withgreat clarity. Of all the colors, whites are the best listeners. They respect people who are direct but recoil from perceived hostility or verbal battle.

ABOUT WHITE

Whites need their "alone time" and refuse to be controlled by others. Whites want to do things their own way and in their own time. They ask little of others and resent others demanding much of them. Whites are much stronger than people think, but are not often seen for their strength because they don't easily reveal their feelings. Whites are even-tempered, diplomatic, and the voice of reason; but can also be indecisive, unexpressive, and silently stubborn. When you deal with a WHITE, be kind, accept and support their individuality, and look for non-verbal clues to understand their feelings.

I can tell you that most of this fits me. Who I am. It explains a lot about me. You  should go take this test. Have your significant other take the test. Maybe it will help both of you to become closer in your relationship. 

I want to thank Darrin for teaching me these things. Because it really makes sense to me. I hope that I will be able to corporate it into my life and relationships.

What I am looking for in a relationship. I think that this quote sums it up.

"It's a beautiful when you find someone that is in love with your mind. Someone that wants to undress your conscience and make love to your thoughts. Someone that wants to watch you slowly take down all the walls you've built up around your mind and let them inside."

Well that is the short version of the summer. I will try to keep up better on the blog. Cause really, it helps me with my thoughts. It helps to write my thoughts down, and be able to read them. Realizing that I have come far in a year.

Parenting..........

So in order for the divorce to finalized we had to go to a parenting class. Not really what I wanted to do, but I did.
So I went to this parenting class last week. It was in Soda Springs. Did I drive? Yes. I did not want to be in the car for an hour with Gerald, 3 hours in a class with him, then and hour home with him. The class was not something I wanted to go to anyway, let alone go with him in the same car. Which ended up being a good thing because we were the only two in the class.
The class was very quiet to say the least. The only one talking was the instructor. So it went pretty fast. At the end she asked if there was any questions. My only question was how do plan to do stuff when the other parent has the kids? Because I have at least one 24/7. She didn't understand this, so I preceded to tell her that I have one child that refuses to stay at his house. She asked why, Gerald told her that because he doesn't like the house. She said that shouldn't matter, that he needed to learn who was the parent, who was in charge. Gerald preceded to tell her that if he made him stay that he would make life miserable for the rest of the kids. There was always an excuse of why he couldn't make the child stay at his house.
She very bluntly told him that he basically needed to step up. That this child is ruling the house and what goes on. That we needed to use some back bone on this child or he was going to have problems when he gets older. I said that I do when he is at my house. But I can't very well tell him that he can't come home, when he gets dropped off at my house. She preceded to tell Gerald that he needs to quite making me the bad person all the time. That he needs to step up and be a parent.
All I could think of was, I am glad that someone else told him this, because he doesn't listen to me when I tell him. I am always the bad parent, because I tell my kids no.
Do you think that he has stepped up any. Nope. The child still stays with when his dad is home.
I wonder what it will take to get him to realize that he needs to be a parent to his kids, and not there best friend.
I struggle with this all the time. I so want my kids to be able to come to me for anything and tell me anything. But I also realize that I need to set boundaries with them. That they need to learn to respect authority. And that at times I do know better.
But it makes it hard because I again end up being the bad parent. The one that is always telling them no. That is always setting boundaries for my kids. Then they get with their dad, and he lets them do whatever.
So what do I do? I just do the best that I can. I do what I need to do to raise my kids when I have them.
That is my soap box today!

Obstacles.......

Why is it that when you want something so much there has to be an obstacle in the way of you getting it. Is it so that you have to work harder to obtain what you want? I would really like to know. 

Waiting for this divorce to happen is becoming an obstacle in what I want or what I want to do in my life now. I hate obstacles. 

I know that obstacles, better known as challenges are suppose to make us stronger. I realize they are there to teach us, to make life interesting and meaningful. 

The great question is am I the obstacle? Am I stopping myself from getting what I want in this life? Thinking about it there is probably some truth to that. I think that we go thru life scared of the unknown. Scared of changes in our lives. So those obstacles or challenges that are in my life are ones that I need to face head on so that I can go on with life. Obtain the obtainable.

I was looking up some scriptures on obstacles, but they don't have it on obstacles. They have scriptures on adversity. Yes, I looked in the scriptures! Don't fall over! But there is one scripture that I came across it is in  2 Nephi 2:11. I think that this was a seminary scripture. It says "For it must needs be, that there is opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good or bad. Wherefore, all things must be must be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remains as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility." So what does it come down to ...We have to have these obstacles in our lives in order to know the happiness when we obtain what we desire. Does it make it easier to go thru? NO! Does it make the desire more precious to us because of what we had to go thru to obtain it? YES!

Those obstacles in our lives we need to cherish because they make us who we are! They give us strength to endure! They make life more interesting and meaningful. 

So remember that it may be an obstacle, but if you endure, and you work thru the obstacle, not give up, you will become that more interesting. Have a more meaningful life.

ENJOY YOUR LIFE! ENJOY YOUR OBSTACLES!

Never lose hope...........

So I think that this is what I am feeling right now. I think that I am losing hope! Not for being happy, cause I am happy. I am happy with my kids, my life, I am somewhat happy with my job. But just not quite sure I am happy with relationships. They are hard. I really think that dating at this age is impossible. 

You think that, "Oh I could see myself dating this guy!" Getting to know him, talk to him, etc. Then they just decide they don't want to talk anymore or even meet. So they don't even give you a chance to see if something will happen between the two of us. Not that I am completely ready to be stuck with one person, but it would be nice to be able to go out once in awhile with a guy and just have fun. No strings attached. 

I guess that time will come eventually! LOL!

Here is a quote I came by. And that we all should remember.

Mothers......

So since it is Mother's Day I will post what my mother has meant to me.

My mother has been gone for about 13 years now.  It has been a huge hole in my heart with gone. 

Thru my life I have learned from her how to be friendly, loving, caring, service oriented, honest, hard working, and true to yourself. 

Somewhere along the way I have forgotten those things in my life. Not all of them but pieces of them.

Especially being true to my self. That has been a hard one to gain back. Sometimes I think ok, I am there I am finally me, but then something happens, and I find myself back to being like I was before. Not being myself, but being what someone else wants me to be. 

I was talking to a friend tonight about this same topic. He said that in a marriage or relationship people tend to forget who they are and become what the other person wants them to be. That you can't do that. You learn to compromise with each other, but still be able to be who you are. I for one, love that concept.

I know that my mom did a lot of compromising with my dad, but she was also able to be true to herself and who she was as a person. I don't think that I can ever be like my mom, but I hope that I come close to the person that she was. Because she was a very warm hearted, loving, and happy person no matter what was going on in her life.

So this goes out to all the mothers out there! Be true to yourself while you are compromising with your husband or partner. Don't lose who you are, just to make the man happy! 

Happy Mother's Day!

Dating......

Dating Sucks....I don't know which is worse, to date as a teenager or to date when you are in your 40's. I don't think guys are any different from when they were teenagers. They still act the same. Only thing different is that they should know better when they are an adult.

First they are still after the same thing. SEX. Hasn't changed. They are still horny as ever. Second they like to play games just as much as the teenage boy does just get to get what they want. SEX! They still think with their second head. 

I just want to meet a guy that wants me. Not just the sex, but also the person that I am. They are interested in what I say. They want to go out and do things. Enjoy adventures together. I am not totally against the sex. I am human. I enjoy it, but there is more to a relationship than just sex.

I just want a relationship that I can enjoy the rest of my life with. Not to much to ask for!

Animosity.....

Animosity....Bitter hostility or open enmity; active hatred. A hostile feeling or act. What a strong word.

A friend that I have met a couple of weeks ago, who is fast becoming a very good friend, was talking to me yesterday about my feelings, my thoughts on my divorce, how I was handling everything. I realize that I am not handling things very well. 

He said this word to me a couple of times and it has stuck with me. He told me that I need to let go of the animosity before I could go on with life. That he didn't want to see that animosity grow to affect my life in a bad way. After we talked I thought a lot about what he was saying. So I looked up the meaning. Not that I didn't know what it meant, but I wanted to see what words they used to tell you what the definition was. Well those are very hateful and strong words to use for the definition of word. Makes you think doesn't it. It does me.

I don't want my life to be filled with ANIMOSITY! That would be a horrible way to live your life. To be filled with so much hate and bitter feelings. How do you think your life would be? I would suspect that you would be feeling pretty lonely. Sick. Angry. Negative in everything you are doing! Probably not progressing in your life. Going now where. 

Do I want a life like that? NO! How do you conquer this ANIMOSITY in your life? Well I think that me personally have two ways of animosity to overcome. One is my feelings toward Gerald. Two, my self animosity. Hard things to overcome. 

First. My feelings toward Gerald. Feeling of hatred, of hurt, of being cheated on, of being mentally abused in some ways, and the distrust that I have for him. WOW! Very strong feelings. Ten plus years of strong feelings. Was there once a time that we were happy? Yes! when we were first married. When we had our kids. Those are joyous times in our lives. Looking at those times, they were happy times. But they were times that we were happy to have an event happen in our lives, but not happy that we are together or with each other, except when we got married. That is sound to go thru life like that. My feelings of Gerald when we first got together was of friendship, love, and happiness. Somewhere that all changed. Somewhere we lost those feelings to just being there, to animosity. How do I switch to feelings of forgiveness? How do I let all those feelings of hatred go? I am not sure how, but I do know that I need to let it go. I need to get back those feelings of forgiveness towards him. I may not love him, but I need to be able to be friendly towards him. To stop and think is it worth wasting my energy on the feelings of hatred towards him. Is he worth those feelings? He is not worth those feelings. He is not worth my energy that it takes to hate him. So from this time forward my energy is going to go into letting things roll off my back when it comes to him. Not trying to get revenge for something. Be positive towards him. How is this going to work? That will take a lot of energy! LOL! But good energy. Strong energy for me to have a better life.

Second. Myself...that animosity towards myself. Where did it come from? Where did the thinking negative about myself, putting myself down, thinking that I am a failure at life come from? Well, inadvertently from my marriage. Many years of being second best to my husband. Many years of being not quite good enough in bed that he had to turn to porn to get his satisfaction. Many years of me not being strong enough to stand up for myself. To voice my opinion and being able to stick to it. Many years of being quiet. Letting things get as far as they did. What do I get from it all....self doubt, low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness. How do I change that around. Well my friend, Michael, told me that I need to take those things and ask myself "Does everyone think that I am like that?" That is not as easy as it sounds. But I was thinking about that. Is that only what Gerald thinks or is it what everyone thinks about me. I think that I am not that bad of a person. That I do have a purpose in this life. That I am capable of doing things and of having an opinion. And I can voice that opinion and someone will listen to it. That I am not worthless. That I am not that bad looking of a person. Part of my plan of getting my soul back is not being negative. It is hard and I know that I have said this before. But I really need to start making a conscious effort into putting the positive and keeping it there in my life. I need to get on with my life. I need to get the divorce done. No more holding it up.  I am going to the gym everyday. It is amazing how exercising helps with your energy and your self esteem. I am surrounding myself with positive people in my life. No more negative. I know that this will not always be, but I will have to make it that way. I will have to do a lot of stopping and thinking do I want this in my life? How will this affect my life? How can I turn this into a positive in my life?